And now this

Of to the next adventure in the hot mess. I'll blog when I get back, until then....

Thick crust cheesecake.

I love cheesecake!! Every once in a while though, I'll order cheesecake and it'll come with this ridiculously thick graham cracker crust. The first couple bites I'll push all the way down through that crust and eat it too, but inevitably I end up just eating the cheesecake and not the crust. I'm usually annoyed or disappointed that the wasted valuable cheesecake space with that stupid crust.

So that's my analogy for where I am the last couple days. On Sunday we became first time grandparents and that little girl is amazing and beautiful and squishy and we just love her so much!! All this overflowing joy and love going on in my life right now I can't even handle it! I was blessed to be able to be in the room and encourage my daughter through the labor and delivery of this sweet little girl. It was incredible and my daughter did so well with all of it. That's the cheesecake.

However, I find myself greatly annoyed that under all of that, there's still this dark swirling abyss grabbing at my ankles trying to pull me back in, reminding me that it's still there. I keep just trying to ignore it. When the tugs come I focus on that new granddaughter and what a light she is. More than anything though I'm angry that it's even there trying to muddy this joy. That's the thick crust.

Doing my best to be thankful for the cheesecake, and ignore the thick crust.

it's over

You know how when you're watching an action movie and during the really intense parts you hold your breath, sit at the edge of your seat and all your muscles are tensed up? You don't realize you're actually doing that until after the scene is over and you finally relax everything. Well, that's exactly what my 2 hours of living in it felt like. I literally got the shakes when I brought down my defenses and my goodness am I tired. It all just feels so heavy.

I did some art for my niece during this time, precariously close to my exacto knife. Now I know I wasn't supposed to fight it, but some things just make sense to fight and I'm certain Dan didn't mean for me to not fight those urges.

Self-harm is one of my biggest battles, and if I'm being honest, as I've been all along, I ran it across my skin. Tried to find a way to do it where it wouldn't be noticeable. Figured if I followed the lines of one of my tattoo's I could hide it. I'd decided I was just going to give in, it had to feel better than what I was currently experiencing right? However, God is good, and my phone rang before I actually drew blood and it was Jerry, just checking on me. I put the exacto knife away, finished my art piece and moved away from my art space.

The 2 hours are up, but I'm having a hard time getting back into fight mode, it just feels too exhausting, which is what I was afraid of. I think I'll go take a nap, and try to get a grip on things when I wake up.

Therapy Assignment

So today was my appointment with my psychologist Dan. I went over with him all the things I've been feeling and thinking and all the fighting I'm doing to just overcome all of these thoughts and feelings. I also told him that I'm having a hard finding a purpose for it this time, or what I'm supposed to learn from it this time. I always have felt in the past there was something to learn and to grow from, to find a purposeful perspective. Mostly because this time is so much different than all the other times. This time is so much heavier and hopeless, which is why I fight so hard.

Well, his assignment to me has me a bit anxious. He told me to go ahead and just let myself sit in it for a couple hours. Just sit in it, don't fight anything, and then after 2 hours, continue the fight again. I'm afraid of just letting this junk in my head take over, I'm afraid that after 2 hours I won't be able to fight anymore.

While working today I drew this picture of just the junk in my head, the stuff that I fight off every single minute of ever single day. The stuff that makes me so incredibly exhausted. Yes, I know, it's disturbing and probably makes most people uncomfortable, and it should. I just needed to put it all down on paper.

I'm struggling with my relationship with God in all of this because I feel so incredibly ashamed of all of this. Why should these feelings, these thoughts be there when I KNOW that He thinks I am enough, I am forgiven and that He loves me.

I sure hope these new meds kick in sooner rather than later.

Therapy Art

So here's the part where all of my children groan LOL. I think sometimes art should make you uncomfortable, it should make you think. You don't have to like it, that's totally okay, but some art you should at least try to understand what the artist is trying to convey and appreciate it for that.

Most of my art is easy, pleasurable, comfortable even. However, the majority of my therapy art, is none of those things. Very few have seen most of my therapy art, and that's okay, I don't do it for others, I do it for me. It's very much a release.

My thought in doing this, is that the hand print represents the mask of depression. I feel like I should fix her hair, make her look nice and presentable. Quite often people who suffer with mental illnesses hide it so well that you don't even know that they're suffering.

I always wonder when I do therapy art like this is how many others do similar things and wouldn't it be awesome and powerful and amazing if we could all do a show and display it all in an attempt to show the world what it looks like to live inside our heads in some way.

Moving Forward

I had a bit of an epiphany this morning as I was picking up my Starbucks before heading to IOT. I feel like I'm standing still, and part of my standing still is because I'm not processing through all the things in my head. IOT is not the place to do this. I believe that the usefulness of IOT, for me, has run it's course, and I do see value in it and will continue to use the coping skills I learned through it. So after talking with Jerry to make sure I was thinking logically and not just emotionally, I decided that I am done with IOT. I have a lot of peace in this, almost as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, like I can finally move forward.

I discussed this with the gal that runs my IOT and she said that she felt comfortable with my decision. I have completed 6 sessions and she's seen progress and knowing that I already have a psychologist that I'm working with she's confident that I'll be okay.

I already have an appointment with Dan, my psychologist, on Tuesday and I'm anxious to start working through this. I will say that my perspective of depression and anxiety in my life has changed. This time is different than any other episode I've had, I want to try to understand why. Reality acceptance is a skill they teach in IOT, and I'm okay with that, I just want to understand this reality a little better, learn how to effectively live in it.

God is Good, All the Time.

So yesterday was a hard day, mostly physically, lots of what I call brain zaps, just this feeling of dizziness and nauseousness that comes in waves. From what I've looked up, it's withdrawal symptoms from my meds. Good news is I'm feeling better today.

I wanted to share a sweet God story, the way that even when you don't ask, He knows what you need, He knows the desires of your heart.

I cried a lot yesterday, but there wasn't too much of the exhausting racing thoughts which is a blessing. Between all the tears and feeling horrible, I was really wishing Jerry was home, I almost emailed/called him a bunch of times to ask him to come home. However, he's missed so much work for me lately and I know he has so much to do, so I didn't ask.

I had a doctors appointment at 2:20, I was really wishing he'd be home to take me, but I sucked it up and started to get ready to go. About 10 minutes before I needed to leave Jerry walked through the door. I burst into tears. I couldn't believe he was here. He told me he'd just had this feeling all day that he was supposed to come home, so he did. God knew what I needed, what my heart desired, and blessed me with it. He's so good.

Through all of this, I wish I could say I've spent countless hours on my knees in amazing prayers; that I've spent endless amounts of time reading my Bible. I haven't. I'm not sure why but it's almost like I feel like I'm avoiding Him. I say lots of little bullet prayers all day long, replace lies with His truths but I can't seem to spend quality time with Him. If I think hard about it, I'm guessing it's shame, shame that I'm feeling about being here again. Like I let Him down for not keeping the ground He won for me from this. Of course then plays the replace the lies with the truth thing that makes me know that it's not true. It's a vicious cycle.

IOT is good at teaching coping skills, which is important, but it lacks in the talk things out category. I have an appt with my regular psychologist on Tuesday to hopefully begin the process of talking things out.

Encouragement

About 2 weeks ago I got up and headed to my chair with coffee in hand, and on sitting on my computer was a little card with the Footprints poem and a little pin of feet. Then a couple days later a different little card, and again, a few days later yet another, and this was today's. Each one signed on the back from my sweet husband.

This morning my sister sent me just one line of encouragement, "Great strength is born out of great sorrow. You are strong sister! Just a reminder". This brought me to tears, it wasn't trying to "fix" me it was acknowledging I'm not doing okay right now, but gave hope for great things to come from this. God never wastes a hurt and He truly does work all things for our good.

Many people have sent little bits of encouragement which have been wonderful. These are the things that I press in to, just the short little reminders that I am loved, and I matter and that I am a child of God. These are good things. I love the messages telling me you've learned something from all of my messy blogging, because in that I see a purpose for all of this.

What I don't need is long lengthy articles to read on depression and anxiety, I've probably already read it anyways. I don't need helpful tips on how to cope, I've got lots of them, and I'm learning more 3 days a week when I go to IOT. As incredible, and amazing your friend, sister, aunt, etc. is, I'm not going to contact them to hear about their story, I'm struggling to carry on conversations with people I know.

Also, please don't be offended if I don't message you back, or you simply get a "thumbs up" from me. Just know that I read them, and they matter.

SHUT UP!!!!!!!

So I think I've screamed at the top of my lungs various things today, mostly SHUT UP and GO AWAY SATAN. Listened to music as loud as it would go and sang at the top of my lungs. This is the most difficult part of this whole freaken mess!!

I'm in the process of switching meds, which means I have to ween off the old ones before I can start the new ones. I'm gonna make an educated guess that this is the reason for the increased racing thoughts, the incredible irritability, loss of focus and memory, and having to fight off destructive compulsive thoughts. This whole weening process means that I won't start my new meds till Monday, and then we're looking at 2-4 weeks before it does what it's supposed to do.

Driving home from therapy I had such an urge to drive as fast as I could, just to feel the adrenaline rush I assume would have happened. I've had thoughts of cutting, which then makes me think tattoo's cause well, that's a much more socially acceptable way to cut  and I won't seem so crazy. Thoughts of shopping, just shopping and shopping and shopping and spending money we don't have just to feel the rush I get from it. Drinking of course, that's an easy one, except the consequences of the hangover is just more than I can take.

It's extremely difficult to think logically in all of this, it interferes with any problem solving, any helpful coping skills, all the things that I do to try to move to a place where I feel like I'm moving forward and functioning. I feel like my skin is crawling, and it needs to go away. This week needs to go quickly.

They know too much

So today was church again, Jerry asked this morning if I wanted to go to the 8:00 with him, or if I wanted him to come to the 9:15 with me. I told him I would be okay, that things would be fine. I was wrong.

As I got closer to church the realization that I would be walking into a building with many people that know what's going on in my head and that is overwhelming to me. It's one thing to type it out here and press publish and leave it at that, completely another to come face to face with people who've had a front row seat to all my junk, all the stuff that makes me vulnerable and raw. I can't fake it with those people because they know too much. It makes it hard to breath.

Then there are all the other people who haven't read this blog, but know me and catch me trying to hold it together and might approach me out of concern. I love their hearts for me, but I can't right now. I can't pull off the faking part because of the panic of all the people that know too much.

As the 8:00 service lets out, and the 9:15 gets to go in, there is no place to hide, no place to stand where there aren't people, there are just so many of them and every way I turn there is someone I know. So I look down at my feet and keep moving till I can get to my chair.

I catch the eye of someone and I totally lose it, it was too much, I can't hold it together and it's too late to pretend I'm okay, she's seen it. She hugs me and tells me she's praying for me and I can say nothing, I just cry. At this point my head is screaming at me to just leave and go home, however, the part of me that wants to be stronger and do the "right thing" is forcing me to stay in my seat.

I spent most of the service trying really hard to focus on things, to use the skills I've been learning, but the screaming inside my head to just leave and go home was really loud and made concentration really hard. I did manage to sit through it all, took good notes even. But then it was time to leave and wade through all the people again....

Getting out of my seat and out the door was easy, I figured I was free of any obstacles, I wasn't prepared for the barrage of people waiting outside for one thing or another. I'm probably came off as rude, and now have a list of people going through my head I feel like I need to apologize to. I'm trying not to focus on it though, I probably feel like it was worse than it actually was.

I think next week I'll go to the 8:00 with Jerry......

I can't make it make sense.

This is hard, hard to put down in writing, because it freaks me out,makes me feel like an all out crazy person. I just keep reminding myself that my depression doesn't make any sense. I wish I could say that that makes it all okay.

Therapy is going as it should, it's hard, but it's working. The darkness is lifting, I'm seeing more light each day. This is all good stuff....so why am I so anxious about getting better?

I can't quite put words exactly to how I'm feeling, other than to say that I feel like I don't want to get better. Yes, I know how that sounds, it sounds crazy and scary and stupid. It frightens me that such thoughts would even creep in to my head. Another one of those thoughts that I have to fight, a thought, that I don't feel like fighting, don't want to fight.

I need to talk through this, I need to make it make sense, I need to understand where it came from and why it is. Not something I feel like I can talk through in group, so I have a call in to my regular psychologist. I can't make sense of it on my own, every time I try to I just feel ashamed and frightened by it. I keep trying to type more, but then back spacing it out because it's not quite right, not exactly what I mean or what I feel. I just can't make it make sense.

Feeling pretty today.

The support and love I have from my family and the people that love me is amazing and I'm ever so grateful for it. Without them I'm not sure I'd still be here. They give me something to live for, something to fight for.

My oldest daughter Kellie was super awesome today, (and on many other days too), and she helped me feel a bit more like me. It's been about 2 months since I colored my hair and about the same since I've gotten it cut. It just takes too much work. Today though, Kellie colored and cut it for me.

I promised myself I wouldn't cry today but this was such a big thing for me. While she took the time to wash my hair it just seemed to much and I cried while she washed my hair. I know it didn't seem like a big deal to her, it's what she does every day, but it was, to me, such an act of love. It meant the world to me.

Tonight is hard though, I've been thinking all day about having to go to therapy tomorrow, and then work at Queen Bee after. Therapy is hard, and going right from therapy to work is even harder, but it's something I feel like I need to do. I'm having some anxiety about that, add that to the fact that my head just won't shut up tonight and I'm struggling. One drink didn't work to slow it down, so I'm on drink #2, it's helping, I hate that I feel like that's my only option right now to shut it up. I'm thankful that Jerry is here helping me talk through some of it.

I was trying to explain the whole brain thing to my dad today, about how hard it is to spend all day replacing the bad thoughts with the good thoughts. It's hard to explain it to someone who doesn't get it, but I think I came up with something close. I told him, it's like being in a really deep mud pit that you're trying to dig out of, and you can't stop to rest because if you do you'll slide back down into it and lose all the ground you've made. After awhile your so exhausted that you start thinking it's easier to just stop trying and just slide to the bottom, however, you know you just have to start all over again if you do. My dad hasn't been the best at trying to understand mental health issues, for many years he's always thought it was just a matter of "getting over it". I love that he's listening and trying to understand and praying for me.

I cannot express how thankful I am for all the support I have, this is what keeps me pushing through, keeps me fighting and keeps me taking one day at a time. I love you all.

A Glimmer

Today was a good day. My usual get out of bed fight was the same, deciding what to wear was a bit easier since all but 1 pair of my jeans was in the washing machine. Luckily, they were my fun painted jeans which always brings me joy, who doesn't love wearing art?

Today was different, and it took me a while to figure out why it was different. Today I worked at Queen Bee Artisan Market, it was a very slow day, I think I can count our customers on 1 hand. So I got to spend the day with 2 other artists, people who "get" me. It was comfortable and safe with people I love, and people that love me. I worked on art pretty much all day long, the one thing that seems to work for me. It helped that my goal for today was to finish binding the journal I am making. I managed to finish all that I could at work today, which I feel really good about.

Tonight is different than usual too, usually I have the safety of Jerry in the evenings. A chance to decompress, to let down my guard and to let loose all that I've held in place all day. Tonight, Jerry is working, something that can't be helped or avoided. I'm working on trying to keep the anxiety at bay, keeping busy, trying to keep my thoughts from racing. It's a bit easier because today was easier, there isn't so much to let loose of.

Tomorrow is a new day, and with that new day it brings 3 hours of therapy which is hard and exhausting. What are the chances that I could have 2 better days in a row? Anything is possible, because God is good.

I'm just so tired

I feel like there is this need to explain, a need to help you understand what it's like to live inside my head. For those that struggle with this battle, you already know it, but for those that don't, I'm so thankful you've never experienced this and I pray wholeheartedly that you never do. These words are just that, words, they cannot fully express the depth of it, but I hope it helps you get a glimpse of understanding.

It's almost as if my mind is off on this tangent, that I am helpless to stop. It's not that I don't want to, it's not that I don't know that the things that are going through it are not right, not what I want, not what I believe. So each day, I wake up and my first thought is how it would be better just to go back to sleep because that's how I can disappear without having to really disappear. However, I know it's not the right thing to do, so I fight to get myself out of bed. My mind tells me that I don't care what i look like, how I dress, but then it also tells me that people will judge me if I don't look right. Again, going back to bed sounds like a much better place to be. However, I know that all of those things are wrong, not healthy, not normal, so I fight through and I shower, and dress and put make up on and look decent. By this time, I have done mental battle with myself, with the enemy, and I'm tired.

Then it's time to eat, I'm not hungry, or I am, and I just want cake. I'm diabetic, cake is bad, I've gained 20+ lbs, cake is bad. I fight this battle of do I eat, do I not eat, what do I eat? Seems small, insignificant even, but in my current world, it's not. It's huge and I'm tired.

Then it's time to leave the house, this is where anxiety gets the best of me. If I leave, there will be people, that's the most exhausting part. The part where I have to pretend that I don't have racing thoughts of self harm, disappearing, wanting to run and hide and cry anything that doesn't involve people. This is the part where I obsess about what I will say if some one asks me how I'm doing, how I'm going to smile when inside I'm dying. How I'm going to pretend to be okay and not feel like I'd prefer to be swallowed into the dark abyss that follows me. I formulate escape plans, try to come up with ways to get out of whatever it is I have to leave the house for. By this time my heart is pounding, my head is spinning, my stomach is in knots and going back to bed seems like the best option. However, I do none of these things, I fight, and I claw, maybe take a Xanax to do what I know I am supposed to do. Which means that all day long is a battle, the time that I am away from home I am fighting an internal mental battle to be okay and I'm tired.

I get home, and usually the bed wins because I'm tired. I wake up and my sweet husband is usually home. He's the one person I never feel like I have to pretend with. He knows I'm not okay and that 's okay. He knows my battle and understands it and loves me through it. We watch some mindless tv, but I can't really focus on it because my mind is racing. Racing through all the things I did wrong during the day, racing through all the things I should be doing, racing through all the ways I can make tomorrow better, racing through different ways I can disappear, racing through all the things that could help me feel, just feel, even if they're bad things, all the while, racing through all the ways that what I'm thinking is wrong. Racing through all the things that I know Jesus says about me, racing through all the ways that the enemy is trying to win, racing through all the right things, the right things that seem so hard and I'm tired.

Then comes bed time, only I can't sleep, I'm tired, but my brain won't shut up, it won't stop. I make myself a drink because it slows it down, but it also starts new thoughts about how I have to be so careful to not self medicate, how alcoholism runs in my family and I can't let that become and issue as well. Eventually, I make my way to bed, take my sleeping pill that helps me stay asleep if I can fall asleep. Most nights my brain wins, and I'm lucky to get 3-4 hours of sleep which means my poor husband doesn't get much either with my tossing and turning which starts more thoughts and I'm tired.

Morning comes and I do it all over again.

This kind of tired, is not the kind of tired that goes away after a good nights sleep if I can get one. This kind of utter exhaustion is from fighting a never ending mental battle to stay alive. Do I know all the things that I should do? yep, do I want to do those things? yep, however, right now I just want to make it through the next 10 minutes.

hurry up and be over

One of the things I have loved for years is going to church on Sunday mornings. Worshiping with my friends and other believers, listening to sermons that make me think, build me up and encourage me. Seeing people I love yet only get to see once a week. Church is one of my happy places.

Unless I'm struggling with depression and anxiety.......

Then church is too much. Too many people, worship music that only reminds me that I feel like a failure as a Jesus follower. I don't feel like I'm loving Him right, I don't feel like I'm changed, I don't feel like He sees His glory in me because I'm failing at showing it. Then a message about taking ground and remembering victory over similar battles and I'm reminded of how I've been here before but I'm feeling as though maybe I never won this battle in the first place and I'm weak and even though I believe with my whole heart that Jesus loves me I feel like He's just standing there watching me go through this and not giving me any strength to get through it.

You'll notice I used the word "feel" a lot, because that's what this is, I KNOW that He's right beside me and carrying me through everything, I KNOW that He doesn't think I'm a failure and I KNOW that I am a child of God. Right now though, feeling is where I'm at. Feeling sucks.

So in therapy we need to make goals, just small ones, but things to help push us forward. Going to church was one of my goals for this weekend. I thought I was going to be okay. I wasn't. I got in the door, head down and bee line for my seat in hopes that I would be invisible to others and no one would stop me to talk. Tears flowing since I was a mile away from church, tears that didn't stop till I got home. I tried to stand for worship just so people didn't wonder why I was sitting. I couldn't sing because it was too much. I sobbed uncontrollably through all of worship, my shoulders shaking and shuddering as I prayed no one would notice. After service I attempted a bee line out the door, but got caught up with well meaning people who love me wanting to talk. All the while my I'm screaming in my head that I just need to get out of there.

By the time I finally made it home I was exhausted, mentally and physically, all I wanted to do is sleep, and sleep I did. It's a great way to disappear.

I will try again next week.

Day 1

So the first day of IOT is over and done with. I wish I could tell you that it was awesome and amazing and it's going to be so easy to go through. However, that's not the case.

Each time we meet we have to fill out this sheet, giving a 0-10 rating to different things that we are experiencing. The things range from sleep to suicide. Not an easy thing to do, to look at the things on paper that I am currently living. It's easier if they're all in my head and sometimes I can pretend it's not a thing.

Then we had to suffer through a video about how to live in reality. I'm sure there was some things that made sense but in my currently reality it just all seemed stupid. She talked about things in such a matter of fact way that it made me want to throw my chair through the screen. If it was so easy why do so many of us struggle with this. Needless to say, I did the good student thing and took notes that maybe eventually will come in handy. Right now though, it's all just stupid and ridiculous to me.

The hardest part though was when we went around the table and had to share a bit about ourselves. There are 5 of us in the group and I and one other woman were new on Friday, the others have been there for a while. A couple of the people who'd been there for a while went first in sharing about their day and going over goals for the weekend. They didn't rehash what it was that got them to where they are but there was enough that was alluded to that I got the general gist of things. Lots of hardships, tragedy and things that help explain the struggles with mental illness at this time. The other new person went before me and her too, through lots of tears shared tragedy and hardships that had me in tears too. Then it was my turn and to say I was embarrassed and flooded with horrible guilt for my own depression and anxiety would be putting it mildly.

I talked about how I have an amazing husband, amazing children, the blessings that my life overflows with. How my depression doesn't make sense because there is no reason for me to feel this way. In my head, I imagined the words that might be going through everyone elses minds "oh well isn't she fabulous in her oh so perfect life, what does she have to be depressed about".

I know depression isn't a one size fits all, and there are triggers and things that maybe make sense, but then there are times when it shows up for no reason at all. There is situational depression and then there is the chemical depression. Depression can start as sadness but sadness and depression are not the same thing. I am not sad, I've got nothing to be sad about.

I have committed to this journey, I will finish out this program, my hope that as the darkness fades that I'll be able to leave with some new tools to help me live with this.

IOT=Intensive Outpatient Therapy

On Wednesday I went to therapy. This was the first time in probably 2 or 3 years. I'm seeing the same psychologist that I've seen on and off for the last 10 years or so so I shouldn't have felt apprehensive about it but well, lately that's just what I do.

Dan is awesome, and usually not mushy gushy or anything, pretty straight forward, doesn't tend to hold your hand and makes you work hard to get your head in the right place. He's not mean, and you really do see that he cares, he's just not gonna hug you while you're sitting there crying. Maybe he's softened over the last couple years, or maybe where I am in this right now was cause for extra concern because he seemed gentler than I remember. I think I'm going to go with the latter, because after about 45 min and I didn't pass the "have you thought about killing yourself?" question he decided maybe I should try something a bit more in depth, and something that will help speed things up a bit and get my head in a better place before him and I really dig in.

So it begins today, 3 hours of Intensive Outpatient Therapy, which is done as group therapy. I will be going to IOT 3 days a week for 3 hours for the next 4 weeks. I'm okay with group therapy, I don't mind sharing with others, (obviously) and I have found in the past it's helpful to hear others stories as well. The stupid thing that has me in knots this morning, is what will they think of me?

I have decided I need to let All the Colors of Lisa out, I just need to stop worrying about what others
are going to think of me. I'm dressing as funky as I want to and it feels good, it feels right, it feels like me. People who know me and love me, think nothing of it, strangers who see me and what they think, eh, who cares! However, meeting people for the first time that I will have to spend time with, what are they going to think? So of course I have this monologue running through my head about how I'm just going to introduce myself as an artist so they hopefully will just do that "ohhhhh, and I thought she was just weird" thing and move on. I thought about being a bit more conservative today, but just the thought of that made me feel like I was suffocating. I need to be who I am, because in all of this, I feel like I'm losing myself and I feel like the way I dress is one way for me to hold on to my identity. I know it sounds silly but what I'm going to wear the next day is a big part of the noise in my head when I go to bed at night. I can't explain it, I don't like it, but nevertheless there it is. Of course I'm certain all the weight I've gained isn't helping me much here either.

If you read this, and you pray, I ask for prayers today that I can pull myself together enough in the 45 min drive to function well this afternoon. I go right from therapy to work at Queen Bee Artisan Market, one of my happy places, I need to be able to put on that smile, and fake my way through the afternoon.

John Mayer said one of my favorite quotes:

 “Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you’re really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64-color box, though I’ve got a few missing. I have a bit of a problem, though, in that I can only meet the 8-color boxes. Does anyone else have that problem? I mean, there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation… so when I meet someone who’s an 8-color type… I’m like, “hey girl, magenta!” and she’s like, “oh, you mean purple!” and she goes off on her purple thing, and I’m like, “no – I want magenta!”

In my mind, I imagine that those people that live in the 8 color boxes lead simple, uncomplicated lives. They think very logically and linear, maybe they know about the bigger boxes of crayons, but don't feel they're missing out on anything with their 8 colors. Sometimes I envy those people

I am not an 8 color box, and although I do love the 64 color box with the sharpener on the back,  I always feel like there should be more. There is the 152 ultimate color collection which includes the glitter and metallic colors and comes in an awesome spinning caddy. All the colors for all the moods and feelings, for the ones you can put words to and the ones that you can't. For the words that you share freely and the ones you can't bring yourself to speak out loud. This is the life I live. I world full of color.

The interesting thing about any box of crayons, the 8 colors or the 152 colors, there are bright colors and there are dark colors. You can't color a complete true picture if you don't use blacks and browns and dark blues and purples. It will lack depth and balance and truth.

Which brings me to the purpose of this blog, I am once again traveling in the darkness, however this time I feel the need to color my picture with words. My hope is that getting it out of my head and on to the page will not only free up space in my head, but help me see the full picture that I am coloring. I believe that the many times before that I have found my self here I have only seen small snippets of it, I want to see the whole glorious thing. Mind you, I'm probably going to start out using mostly dark colors, but my hope is that as I figure this out, the bright colors will come out to help the balance of it all.

I invite you to join me on this journey if you would like, to invite others along, and to comment. Keep in mind my intent with this blog is to be real, and transparent and raw. Some of what I say here may be uncomfortable, may not make any sense to you at all, but how can I color the whole picture if I keep things hidden?