it's over

You know how when you're watching an action movie and during the really intense parts you hold your breath, sit at the edge of your seat and all your muscles are tensed up? You don't realize you're actually doing that until after the scene is over and you finally relax everything. Well, that's exactly what my 2 hours of living in it felt like. I literally got the shakes when I brought down my defenses and my goodness am I tired. It all just feels so heavy.

I did some art for my niece during this time, precariously close to my exacto knife. Now I know I wasn't supposed to fight it, but some things just make sense to fight and I'm certain Dan didn't mean for me to not fight those urges.

Self-harm is one of my biggest battles, and if I'm being honest, as I've been all along, I ran it across my skin. Tried to find a way to do it where it wouldn't be noticeable. Figured if I followed the lines of one of my tattoo's I could hide it. I'd decided I was just going to give in, it had to feel better than what I was currently experiencing right? However, God is good, and my phone rang before I actually drew blood and it was Jerry, just checking on me. I put the exacto knife away, finished my art piece and moved away from my art space.

The 2 hours are up, but I'm having a hard time getting back into fight mode, it just feels too exhausting, which is what I was afraid of. I think I'll go take a nap, and try to get a grip on things when I wake up.