Day 1

So the first day of IOT is over and done with. I wish I could tell you that it was awesome and amazing and it's going to be so easy to go through. However, that's not the case.

Each time we meet we have to fill out this sheet, giving a 0-10 rating to different things that we are experiencing. The things range from sleep to suicide. Not an easy thing to do, to look at the things on paper that I am currently living. It's easier if they're all in my head and sometimes I can pretend it's not a thing.

Then we had to suffer through a video about how to live in reality. I'm sure there was some things that made sense but in my currently reality it just all seemed stupid. She talked about things in such a matter of fact way that it made me want to throw my chair through the screen. If it was so easy why do so many of us struggle with this. Needless to say, I did the good student thing and took notes that maybe eventually will come in handy. Right now though, it's all just stupid and ridiculous to me.

The hardest part though was when we went around the table and had to share a bit about ourselves. There are 5 of us in the group and I and one other woman were new on Friday, the others have been there for a while. A couple of the people who'd been there for a while went first in sharing about their day and going over goals for the weekend. They didn't rehash what it was that got them to where they are but there was enough that was alluded to that I got the general gist of things. Lots of hardships, tragedy and things that help explain the struggles with mental illness at this time. The other new person went before me and her too, through lots of tears shared tragedy and hardships that had me in tears too. Then it was my turn and to say I was embarrassed and flooded with horrible guilt for my own depression and anxiety would be putting it mildly.

I talked about how I have an amazing husband, amazing children, the blessings that my life overflows with. How my depression doesn't make sense because there is no reason for me to feel this way. In my head, I imagined the words that might be going through everyone elses minds "oh well isn't she fabulous in her oh so perfect life, what does she have to be depressed about".

I know depression isn't a one size fits all, and there are triggers and things that maybe make sense, but then there are times when it shows up for no reason at all. There is situational depression and then there is the chemical depression. Depression can start as sadness but sadness and depression are not the same thing. I am not sad, I've got nothing to be sad about.

I have committed to this journey, I will finish out this program, my hope that as the darkness fades that I'll be able to leave with some new tools to help me live with this.