Feeling pretty today.

The support and love I have from my family and the people that love me is amazing and I'm ever so grateful for it. Without them I'm not sure I'd still be here. They give me something to live for, something to fight for.

My oldest daughter Kellie was super awesome today, (and on many other days too), and she helped me feel a bit more like me. It's been about 2 months since I colored my hair and about the same since I've gotten it cut. It just takes too much work. Today though, Kellie colored and cut it for me.

I promised myself I wouldn't cry today but this was such a big thing for me. While she took the time to wash my hair it just seemed to much and I cried while she washed my hair. I know it didn't seem like a big deal to her, it's what she does every day, but it was, to me, such an act of love. It meant the world to me.

Tonight is hard though, I've been thinking all day about having to go to therapy tomorrow, and then work at Queen Bee after. Therapy is hard, and going right from therapy to work is even harder, but it's something I feel like I need to do. I'm having some anxiety about that, add that to the fact that my head just won't shut up tonight and I'm struggling. One drink didn't work to slow it down, so I'm on drink #2, it's helping, I hate that I feel like that's my only option right now to shut it up. I'm thankful that Jerry is here helping me talk through some of it.

I was trying to explain the whole brain thing to my dad today, about how hard it is to spend all day replacing the bad thoughts with the good thoughts. It's hard to explain it to someone who doesn't get it, but I think I came up with something close. I told him, it's like being in a really deep mud pit that you're trying to dig out of, and you can't stop to rest because if you do you'll slide back down into it and lose all the ground you've made. After awhile your so exhausted that you start thinking it's easier to just stop trying and just slide to the bottom, however, you know you just have to start all over again if you do. My dad hasn't been the best at trying to understand mental health issues, for many years he's always thought it was just a matter of "getting over it". I love that he's listening and trying to understand and praying for me.

I cannot express how thankful I am for all the support I have, this is what keeps me pushing through, keeps me fighting and keeps me taking one day at a time. I love you all.