hurry up and be over

One of the things I have loved for years is going to church on Sunday mornings. Worshiping with my friends and other believers, listening to sermons that make me think, build me up and encourage me. Seeing people I love yet only get to see once a week. Church is one of my happy places.

Unless I'm struggling with depression and anxiety.......

Then church is too much. Too many people, worship music that only reminds me that I feel like a failure as a Jesus follower. I don't feel like I'm loving Him right, I don't feel like I'm changed, I don't feel like He sees His glory in me because I'm failing at showing it. Then a message about taking ground and remembering victory over similar battles and I'm reminded of how I've been here before but I'm feeling as though maybe I never won this battle in the first place and I'm weak and even though I believe with my whole heart that Jesus loves me I feel like He's just standing there watching me go through this and not giving me any strength to get through it.

You'll notice I used the word "feel" a lot, because that's what this is, I KNOW that He's right beside me and carrying me through everything, I KNOW that He doesn't think I'm a failure and I KNOW that I am a child of God. Right now though, feeling is where I'm at. Feeling sucks.

So in therapy we need to make goals, just small ones, but things to help push us forward. Going to church was one of my goals for this weekend. I thought I was going to be okay. I wasn't. I got in the door, head down and bee line for my seat in hopes that I would be invisible to others and no one would stop me to talk. Tears flowing since I was a mile away from church, tears that didn't stop till I got home. I tried to stand for worship just so people didn't wonder why I was sitting. I couldn't sing because it was too much. I sobbed uncontrollably through all of worship, my shoulders shaking and shuddering as I prayed no one would notice. After service I attempted a bee line out the door, but got caught up with well meaning people who love me wanting to talk. All the while my I'm screaming in my head that I just need to get out of there.

By the time I finally made it home I was exhausted, mentally and physically, all I wanted to do is sleep, and sleep I did. It's a great way to disappear.

I will try again next week.