IOT=Intensive Outpatient Therapy

On Wednesday I went to therapy. This was the first time in probably 2 or 3 years. I'm seeing the same psychologist that I've seen on and off for the last 10 years or so so I shouldn't have felt apprehensive about it but well, lately that's just what I do.

Dan is awesome, and usually not mushy gushy or anything, pretty straight forward, doesn't tend to hold your hand and makes you work hard to get your head in the right place. He's not mean, and you really do see that he cares, he's just not gonna hug you while you're sitting there crying. Maybe he's softened over the last couple years, or maybe where I am in this right now was cause for extra concern because he seemed gentler than I remember. I think I'm going to go with the latter, because after about 45 min and I didn't pass the "have you thought about killing yourself?" question he decided maybe I should try something a bit more in depth, and something that will help speed things up a bit and get my head in a better place before him and I really dig in.

So it begins today, 3 hours of Intensive Outpatient Therapy, which is done as group therapy. I will be going to IOT 3 days a week for 3 hours for the next 4 weeks. I'm okay with group therapy, I don't mind sharing with others, (obviously) and I have found in the past it's helpful to hear others stories as well. The stupid thing that has me in knots this morning, is what will they think of me?

I have decided I need to let All the Colors of Lisa out, I just need to stop worrying about what others
are going to think of me. I'm dressing as funky as I want to and it feels good, it feels right, it feels like me. People who know me and love me, think nothing of it, strangers who see me and what they think, eh, who cares! However, meeting people for the first time that I will have to spend time with, what are they going to think? So of course I have this monologue running through my head about how I'm just going to introduce myself as an artist so they hopefully will just do that "ohhhhh, and I thought she was just weird" thing and move on. I thought about being a bit more conservative today, but just the thought of that made me feel like I was suffocating. I need to be who I am, because in all of this, I feel like I'm losing myself and I feel like the way I dress is one way for me to hold on to my identity. I know it sounds silly but what I'm going to wear the next day is a big part of the noise in my head when I go to bed at night. I can't explain it, I don't like it, but nevertheless there it is. Of course I'm certain all the weight I've gained isn't helping me much here either.

If you read this, and you pray, I ask for prayers today that I can pull myself together enough in the 45 min drive to function well this afternoon. I go right from therapy to work at Queen Bee Artisan Market, one of my happy places, I need to be able to put on that smile, and fake my way through the afternoon.