I can't make it make sense.

This is hard, hard to put down in writing, because it freaks me out,makes me feel like an all out crazy person. I just keep reminding myself that my depression doesn't make any sense. I wish I could say that that makes it all okay.

Therapy is going as it should, it's hard, but it's working. The darkness is lifting, I'm seeing more light each day. This is all good stuff....so why am I so anxious about getting better?

I can't quite put words exactly to how I'm feeling, other than to say that I feel like I don't want to get better. Yes, I know how that sounds, it sounds crazy and scary and stupid. It frightens me that such thoughts would even creep in to my head. Another one of those thoughts that I have to fight, a thought, that I don't feel like fighting, don't want to fight.

I need to talk through this, I need to make it make sense, I need to understand where it came from and why it is. Not something I feel like I can talk through in group, so I have a call in to my regular psychologist. I can't make sense of it on my own, every time I try to I just feel ashamed and frightened by it. I keep trying to type more, but then back spacing it out because it's not quite right, not exactly what I mean or what I feel. I just can't make it make sense.