They know too much

So today was church again, Jerry asked this morning if I wanted to go to the 8:00 with him, or if I wanted him to come to the 9:15 with me. I told him I would be okay, that things would be fine. I was wrong.

As I got closer to church the realization that I would be walking into a building with many people that know what's going on in my head and that is overwhelming to me. It's one thing to type it out here and press publish and leave it at that, completely another to come face to face with people who've had a front row seat to all my junk, all the stuff that makes me vulnerable and raw. I can't fake it with those people because they know too much. It makes it hard to breath.

Then there are all the other people who haven't read this blog, but know me and catch me trying to hold it together and might approach me out of concern. I love their hearts for me, but I can't right now. I can't pull off the faking part because of the panic of all the people that know too much.

As the 8:00 service lets out, and the 9:15 gets to go in, there is no place to hide, no place to stand where there aren't people, there are just so many of them and every way I turn there is someone I know. So I look down at my feet and keep moving till I can get to my chair.

I catch the eye of someone and I totally lose it, it was too much, I can't hold it together and it's too late to pretend I'm okay, she's seen it. She hugs me and tells me she's praying for me and I can say nothing, I just cry. At this point my head is screaming at me to just leave and go home, however, the part of me that wants to be stronger and do the "right thing" is forcing me to stay in my seat.

I spent most of the service trying really hard to focus on things, to use the skills I've been learning, but the screaming inside my head to just leave and go home was really loud and made concentration really hard. I did manage to sit through it all, took good notes even. But then it was time to leave and wade through all the people again....

Getting out of my seat and out the door was easy, I figured I was free of any obstacles, I wasn't prepared for the barrage of people waiting outside for one thing or another. I'm probably came off as rude, and now have a list of people going through my head I feel like I need to apologize to. I'm trying not to focus on it though, I probably feel like it was worse than it actually was.

I think next week I'll go to the 8:00 with Jerry......