SHUT UP!!!!!!!

So I think I've screamed at the top of my lungs various things today, mostly SHUT UP and GO AWAY SATAN. Listened to music as loud as it would go and sang at the top of my lungs. This is the most difficult part of this whole freaken mess!!

I'm in the process of switching meds, which means I have to ween off the old ones before I can start the new ones. I'm gonna make an educated guess that this is the reason for the increased racing thoughts, the incredible irritability, loss of focus and memory, and having to fight off destructive compulsive thoughts. This whole weening process means that I won't start my new meds till Monday, and then we're looking at 2-4 weeks before it does what it's supposed to do.

Driving home from therapy I had such an urge to drive as fast as I could, just to feel the adrenaline rush I assume would have happened. I've had thoughts of cutting, which then makes me think tattoo's cause well, that's a much more socially acceptable way to cut  and I won't seem so crazy. Thoughts of shopping, just shopping and shopping and shopping and spending money we don't have just to feel the rush I get from it. Drinking of course, that's an easy one, except the consequences of the hangover is just more than I can take.

It's extremely difficult to think logically in all of this, it interferes with any problem solving, any helpful coping skills, all the things that I do to try to move to a place where I feel like I'm moving forward and functioning. I feel like my skin is crawling, and it needs to go away. This week needs to go quickly.