I wanted to share a sweet God story, the way that even when you don't ask, He knows what you need, He knows the desires of your heart.
I cried a lot yesterday, but there wasn't too much of the exhausting racing thoughts which is a blessing. Between all the tears and feeling horrible, I was really wishing Jerry was home, I almost emailed/called him a bunch of times to ask him to come home. However, he's missed so much work for me lately and I know he has so much to do, so I didn't ask.
I had a doctors appointment at 2:20, I was really wishing he'd be home to take me, but I sucked it up and started to get ready to go. About 10 minutes before I needed to leave Jerry walked through the door. I burst into tears. I couldn't believe he was here. He told me he'd just had this feeling all day that he was supposed to come home, so he did. God knew what I needed, what my heart desired, and blessed me with it. He's so good.
Through all of this, I wish I could say I've spent countless hours on my knees in amazing prayers; that I've spent endless amounts of time reading my Bible. I haven't. I'm not sure why but it's almost like I feel like I'm avoiding Him. I say lots of little bullet prayers all day long, replace lies with His truths but I can't seem to spend quality time with Him. If I think hard about it, I'm guessing it's shame, shame that I'm feeling about being here again. Like I let Him down for not keeping the ground He won for me from this. Of course then plays the replace the lies with the truth thing that makes me know that it's not true. It's a vicious cycle.
IOT is good at teaching coping skills, which is important, but it lacks in the talk things out category. I have an appt with my regular psychologist on Tuesday to hopefully begin the process of talking things out.
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