Therapy Assignment

So today was my appointment with my psychologist Dan. I went over with him all the things I've been feeling and thinking and all the fighting I'm doing to just overcome all of these thoughts and feelings. I also told him that I'm having a hard finding a purpose for it this time, or what I'm supposed to learn from it this time. I always have felt in the past there was something to learn and to grow from, to find a purposeful perspective. Mostly because this time is so much different than all the other times. This time is so much heavier and hopeless, which is why I fight so hard.

Well, his assignment to me has me a bit anxious. He told me to go ahead and just let myself sit in it for a couple hours. Just sit in it, don't fight anything, and then after 2 hours, continue the fight again. I'm afraid of just letting this junk in my head take over, I'm afraid that after 2 hours I won't be able to fight anymore.

While working today I drew this picture of just the junk in my head, the stuff that I fight off every single minute of ever single day. The stuff that makes me so incredibly exhausted. Yes, I know, it's disturbing and probably makes most people uncomfortable, and it should. I just needed to put it all down on paper.

I'm struggling with my relationship with God in all of this because I feel so incredibly ashamed of all of this. Why should these feelings, these thoughts be there when I KNOW that He thinks I am enough, I am forgiven and that He loves me.

I sure hope these new meds kick in sooner rather than later.