And now this

Of to the next adventure in the hot mess. I'll blog when I get back, until then....

Thick crust cheesecake.

I love cheesecake!! Every once in a while though, I'll order cheesecake and it'll come with this ridiculously thick graham cracker crust. The first couple bites I'll push all the way down through that crust and eat it too, but inevitably I end up just eating the cheesecake and not the crust. I'm usually annoyed or disappointed that the wasted valuable cheesecake space with that stupid crust.

So that's my analogy for where I am the last couple days. On Sunday we became first time grandparents and that little girl is amazing and beautiful and squishy and we just love her so much!! All this overflowing joy and love going on in my life right now I can't even handle it! I was blessed to be able to be in the room and encourage my daughter through the labor and delivery of this sweet little girl. It was incredible and my daughter did so well with all of it. That's the cheesecake.

However, I find myself greatly annoyed that under all of that, there's still this dark swirling abyss grabbing at my ankles trying to pull me back in, reminding me that it's still there. I keep just trying to ignore it. When the tugs come I focus on that new granddaughter and what a light she is. More than anything though I'm angry that it's even there trying to muddy this joy. That's the thick crust.

Doing my best to be thankful for the cheesecake, and ignore the thick crust.

it's over

You know how when you're watching an action movie and during the really intense parts you hold your breath, sit at the edge of your seat and all your muscles are tensed up? You don't realize you're actually doing that until after the scene is over and you finally relax everything. Well, that's exactly what my 2 hours of living in it felt like. I literally got the shakes when I brought down my defenses and my goodness am I tired. It all just feels so heavy.

I did some art for my niece during this time, precariously close to my exacto knife. Now I know I wasn't supposed to fight it, but some things just make sense to fight and I'm certain Dan didn't mean for me to not fight those urges.

Self-harm is one of my biggest battles, and if I'm being honest, as I've been all along, I ran it across my skin. Tried to find a way to do it where it wouldn't be noticeable. Figured if I followed the lines of one of my tattoo's I could hide it. I'd decided I was just going to give in, it had to feel better than what I was currently experiencing right? However, God is good, and my phone rang before I actually drew blood and it was Jerry, just checking on me. I put the exacto knife away, finished my art piece and moved away from my art space.

The 2 hours are up, but I'm having a hard time getting back into fight mode, it just feels too exhausting, which is what I was afraid of. I think I'll go take a nap, and try to get a grip on things when I wake up.

Therapy Assignment

So today was my appointment with my psychologist Dan. I went over with him all the things I've been feeling and thinking and all the fighting I'm doing to just overcome all of these thoughts and feelings. I also told him that I'm having a hard finding a purpose for it this time, or what I'm supposed to learn from it this time. I always have felt in the past there was something to learn and to grow from, to find a purposeful perspective. Mostly because this time is so much different than all the other times. This time is so much heavier and hopeless, which is why I fight so hard.

Well, his assignment to me has me a bit anxious. He told me to go ahead and just let myself sit in it for a couple hours. Just sit in it, don't fight anything, and then after 2 hours, continue the fight again. I'm afraid of just letting this junk in my head take over, I'm afraid that after 2 hours I won't be able to fight anymore.

While working today I drew this picture of just the junk in my head, the stuff that I fight off every single minute of ever single day. The stuff that makes me so incredibly exhausted. Yes, I know, it's disturbing and probably makes most people uncomfortable, and it should. I just needed to put it all down on paper.

I'm struggling with my relationship with God in all of this because I feel so incredibly ashamed of all of this. Why should these feelings, these thoughts be there when I KNOW that He thinks I am enough, I am forgiven and that He loves me.

I sure hope these new meds kick in sooner rather than later.

Therapy Art

So here's the part where all of my children groan LOL. I think sometimes art should make you uncomfortable, it should make you think. You don't have to like it, that's totally okay, but some art you should at least try to understand what the artist is trying to convey and appreciate it for that.

Most of my art is easy, pleasurable, comfortable even. However, the majority of my therapy art, is none of those things. Very few have seen most of my therapy art, and that's okay, I don't do it for others, I do it for me. It's very much a release.

My thought in doing this, is that the hand print represents the mask of depression. I feel like I should fix her hair, make her look nice and presentable. Quite often people who suffer with mental illnesses hide it so well that you don't even know that they're suffering.

I always wonder when I do therapy art like this is how many others do similar things and wouldn't it be awesome and powerful and amazing if we could all do a show and display it all in an attempt to show the world what it looks like to live inside our heads in some way.

Moving Forward

I had a bit of an epiphany this morning as I was picking up my Starbucks before heading to IOT. I feel like I'm standing still, and part of my standing still is because I'm not processing through all the things in my head. IOT is not the place to do this. I believe that the usefulness of IOT, for me, has run it's course, and I do see value in it and will continue to use the coping skills I learned through it. So after talking with Jerry to make sure I was thinking logically and not just emotionally, I decided that I am done with IOT. I have a lot of peace in this, almost as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, like I can finally move forward.

I discussed this with the gal that runs my IOT and she said that she felt comfortable with my decision. I have completed 6 sessions and she's seen progress and knowing that I already have a psychologist that I'm working with she's confident that I'll be okay.

I already have an appointment with Dan, my psychologist, on Tuesday and I'm anxious to start working through this. I will say that my perspective of depression and anxiety in my life has changed. This time is different than any other episode I've had, I want to try to understand why. Reality acceptance is a skill they teach in IOT, and I'm okay with that, I just want to understand this reality a little better, learn how to effectively live in it.

God is Good, All the Time.

So yesterday was a hard day, mostly physically, lots of what I call brain zaps, just this feeling of dizziness and nauseousness that comes in waves. From what I've looked up, it's withdrawal symptoms from my meds. Good news is I'm feeling better today.

I wanted to share a sweet God story, the way that even when you don't ask, He knows what you need, He knows the desires of your heart.

I cried a lot yesterday, but there wasn't too much of the exhausting racing thoughts which is a blessing. Between all the tears and feeling horrible, I was really wishing Jerry was home, I almost emailed/called him a bunch of times to ask him to come home. However, he's missed so much work for me lately and I know he has so much to do, so I didn't ask.

I had a doctors appointment at 2:20, I was really wishing he'd be home to take me, but I sucked it up and started to get ready to go. About 10 minutes before I needed to leave Jerry walked through the door. I burst into tears. I couldn't believe he was here. He told me he'd just had this feeling all day that he was supposed to come home, so he did. God knew what I needed, what my heart desired, and blessed me with it. He's so good.

Through all of this, I wish I could say I've spent countless hours on my knees in amazing prayers; that I've spent endless amounts of time reading my Bible. I haven't. I'm not sure why but it's almost like I feel like I'm avoiding Him. I say lots of little bullet prayers all day long, replace lies with His truths but I can't seem to spend quality time with Him. If I think hard about it, I'm guessing it's shame, shame that I'm feeling about being here again. Like I let Him down for not keeping the ground He won for me from this. Of course then plays the replace the lies with the truth thing that makes me know that it's not true. It's a vicious cycle.

IOT is good at teaching coping skills, which is important, but it lacks in the talk things out category. I have an appt with my regular psychologist on Tuesday to hopefully begin the process of talking things out.