Things are good

I'm finally doing good, I feel like my life is getting back to a sense of Lisa normalcy. I'm grateful for that.

There are still a few things I'm working through but they're not big and looming and seem manageable at this time. I'm grateful for that.

I'm on a lovely 3 med cocktail to help keep my mental heath in a good place. It took some time to find the right cocktail and dosage and then to wait for it all to take affect. When it did, it seems good. I'm grateful for that.

There is one thing though that had me a little frustrated is that I'm still waiting for God to release me from the "be still" season. I keep searching for that purpose in it.

I had knee surgery at the end of last week, so I've spent a lot of down time this week, just trying to rest it and ice it and let it all heal. It makes me feel antsy. I always feel like I'm wasting time, that I could be doing art or catching up on some crochet projects or the ever daunting housework I try to ignore. There's been a lot of time for thinking to happen, and listening to happen. I have found though there are many times I hear something I don't want to, or don't have time for so I pretend I never heard it. I have a history of this behavior and I should know God always wins in the end.

 This antsy-ness, didn't just show up this week, this is something that's been bugging me for a good month or so now. I keep trying to satiate it without any success. I do that bigger art piece or I tackle a new crochet project, or I shop for that awesome deal. I keep looking for something to fill that empty space that longs to be filled, the one that keeps nagging at me, making me feel antsy.

So back to this listening thing, several times, God has said "that empty space is for Me, quit trying to fill it with things of this world". I heard Him, I heard Him loud and clear, I just chose to ignore it because I was too busy, or I'd get to it later, after I was done with this thing or that thing. I'd finish what ever I was doing and start something else, God could wait.

Today was a BIG time antsy day, I painted but got so bored with what I was doing, I need something new and exciting and different to do. I'm working on a blanket and it's taking forever and it's so boring doing the same stitch over and over again I need something more challenging. The voice of God in my head was so loud it was really hard to ignore, so I finally set down my paint brush and opened a devotional I started a couple years ago and never got past day 9.

The devotional is by Ann VosKamp, I just love the way she writes, very poetic like. She told the story of her children coming home from school and all the chaos that takes place at that time, boots, and back packs and coats. Sibling spats break out for this reason or that. She talks about in that time when her flesh wants to just scream, she plays the thankful game. She says she's thankful for the coats her children have and that she has arms to pick them up. She says she's thankful for the boots as she lines them all up. These are things I know to do, and tell others to do, but fail miserably to do myself.

The one thing though that she talked about later was dinner time, she sat back and watched her children, their smiles, the sound of their voices and she just soaked it all in. Reminded herself how quickly it all goes, and how we need to pay more attention to every day things and the things that we need to be grateful for. This, this right hear is what my season of "be still" is all about.

I keep looking for this bigger purpose, like if I'm not doing something in ministry at church I'm not doing anything important. That being an artist, a wife and a mom and a grandparent is somehow just mundane everyday things, like those can't possibly be a purpose.

I got a head slap at church the other week about it and I don't think it totally sank in. Probably because other than church and listening to the audio Bible as I fall asleep was the only time I was spending with God. This devotion was exactly what I needed. Not only are those things my purpose but I need to quit trying to rush things along to get to the next big thing.

Tomorrow is granddaughter day, I'm told she's a bit clingy cause she got shots last week, I am going to eat that all right up!! I'm going to count her fingers and toes again, smell the top of her head. Savor each gummy smile she gives me and remember that this is my purpose.

I need to appreciate that I have daughters that love to spend time with me, that text me and call me all the time. I need to acknowledge that I have a good relationship with them, and be all in when we have conversations instead of treating each one like it's a common thing. I take for granted that our relationships are good and they share things with me, I have to remember how special that bond is.

I need to soak in all that is that quirky son of mine, listen to his creative mind, take time to laugh at his silliness, and adore his kind, generous heart. I need to appreciate that he still gives me hugs, tries to take care of me and tells me he loves me without prompting.

I need to take time to sit back and be grateful and appreciate what we have and how blessed we are. .Stop taking it for granted and not just exist within it, but truly take time to soak it all.

While I'm doing all of that I need to do my devotions and spend some real time with God. It's good to fill that empty space the right way.

Take Courage

It's been kind of a bumpy week mentally. I'm guessing it's because of the weather. Leaves are turning already, temps are getting cooler and it's getting darker sooner. All signs that winter is on it's way, and judging by how early all these things have happened, I'm very anxious that we will have a long winter. This winter more than any other is very daunting to me. I remember last winter, and it was a fairly mild winter. I constantly remind myself that this year I have some tools I didn't have last winter. I have meds and I have therapy. These things hopefully will make this winter very different than last.

So in my therapy session last week, two kind of key things happened. First, I have been sorting through, things that happened in my childhood that have recently flooded back into my memories, I decided that right now I don't want to do that. I just want to forget about it all for right now, not forever, but for right now. To which my shrink replied, "oh yeah, lets just stuff that right down, that's always a good approach". Sometimes he can be such a smart ass. However, that was still my plan for right now.

The 2nd thing that happened is we discussed whether or not I was ready to step into ministry in a mentoring capacity yet. Before we left for vacation, I was good, and I was ready to jump right in. I talked to Jerry about it and he didn't think that I was quite ready, but I'm so anxious to get back into the swing of things, that I barely considered his comments. Then something happened, I can't remember exactly what, I read something, or heard something about someone struggling with depression and I hurt so badly for them that it triggered me. I found myself thinking of things I haven't in a while, things that are negative and not healthy. I found myself remembering the illusion of comfort that there is in the muck and remembering I liked it. So as we talked through this we decided that my husband is right, I'm not ready for it.

Jerry almost always goes to the 8:00 service, while I almost always attend the 9:15 service. One of the exciting things about my husband is the way God has gifted him and how He uses him. My husband is blessed with the gift of prophecy and it's pretty darn powerful. To my knowledge he doesn't get many "words" for me, but today he shared, "Be still, slow down and take your time". Which made complete sense to me and reassured me that the decision not to jump into ministry was right, but it also reminded me that I have some "catching up" so to speak in my relationship with God, and being still in Him is certainly something I've neglected.

The last song our worship band played today, was also so perfect, like and anthem to my season of life. It's called Take Courage by Bethel. The lyrics to the first verse are as follows:

Slow down, take time
Breath in He said
He'd reveal what's to come
The thoughts in His mind
Always higher than mine
He'll reveal all to come

Ahhhhh so good and so what I needed to hear. 

Then.....the sermon, Pastor Eric preached again today and this is the 2nd time I've not been happy with what he's preached on. Not because he's not a good preacher, he's really good, but twice now he's preached sermons that are exactly what I don't want to hear. Today he talked about remembering, how God uses the things we remember, the way's He's blessed our lives in those moments. If you recall, up a bit I told you I had told my psychologist that I don't want to remember right now. Through the sermon though I heard God telling me He can't show me how He has redeemed me and how He's going to use those things unless I remember them. Sigh. 

I'm thankful that I have a appt with my meds dr this week. I'm having to fight a bit harder than I've had to in a while to keep the darkness at bay. I'm hoping just a simple meds tweak will be enough and I won't have to start on something new. 

Weakness Not Shame

Did you know that God loves our weaknesses? He loves them because they present amazing opportunities for Him to show His power in our lives. The thing that makes us feel like we're just not measuring up, or we just need to be better at,  the thing that in my case, makes me feel like a failure. Depression makes me feel like a failure, for so many reasons that I've shared before.

Because of this feeling like a failure, coming before God has been hard. I know I've talked about it before, but I really thought that as other things fell into place that my relationship would God would just fall into place too, that just was not the case.

I've talked about it in therapy, with my husband, my sister, and with other friends who love Jesus too and have been super supportive of me through all of this, but things just weren't moving forward. I'd open my Bible and within 3 verses the tears would be so thick I couldn't read anymore. I'd want to pray about it all but the words just wouldn't come out of my mouth, I'd just cry. I know He knew what I was wanting to say, but I believe I had to hear the words come out of my mouth to make my heart follow suit and I just couldn't do it.

My pastor is a very wise man, and he's been such an influence in my life and I'm so grateful that God brought him to us at Lakeland Community Church. I decided it was time to call him, and God gave him beautiful words to speak over me, and gave me new perspective on all of this. I talked to him about the shame I felt about it all, and he told me I need to change how I view my depression, I need to view it as a weakness, not shame. God uses weakness to bring glory to His Kingdom. This is something I've known, that He would use what I've gone through to let His light shine, but I just couldn't seem to see my depression as a weakness, I could only see it through the lenses of failure and shame. That was a turning point for me.

I'd love to tell you that day I came home and opened my Bible and prayed and everything was just all glorious again, but that's not what happened. I spent a couple days just wrapping my head around this new perspective and training myself to think of it as a weakness, I even wrote "weakness not shame" on my bathroom mirror so I would be reminded of it daily.

Then Jerry and I went on vacation, a beautiful vacation, so full of God's splendor that there was truly no place you could look ever, that you weren't reminded of His Glory and just how big He is. One late night, as we were heading back to our campsite, I opened my heart, opened my mind, and prayed my little heart out to a God whose never left me, a God whose never looked at me through the lens of failure and shame. To a God who has loved me unconditionally and has waited ever so patiently for me to be ready to fall back into His arms. It feels so good to be back in His arms, right where I belong.

Perspective: Weakness, not Shame.

remembering old memories

You know when something happens to you that you'd prefer not to remember so you stuff it away into that drawer in your brain in the very back? You know the one, the one that you don't ever open and cobwebs grow over it and then you find that you can get to a place where you can just pretend it never happened?

Until.....until someone talks to you about the very subject of those memories you were trying to pretend never happened. Then suddenly not only does the drawer open but all of it's contents spill over into every other drawer in your brain. The ones that are full of happy things, the ones that you utilize every single day, the ones that are supposed to be safe.

Well, as I'm standing in the hallway with my fingers on the doorknob of depression and reaching for the doorknob to the handle across the hall to where wellness is, but it's just too far away to reach it. All I can do is look longingly at it and pray that each day, each therapy session, each pill will bring me closer to it. While I'm standing here though, someone walked by and whispered things in my ears about those memories and suddenly my whole hand is on the depression doorknob, not just my fingers anymore. All the goodness in my life is full of this suffocating slime that is coating everything, I keep wiping it off and trying to make go away, but in the quiet moments I find it oozes right back in and fills up all the gaps, all the corners.

These are new things to work through in therapy of course and I know that I will eventually let go of it all just like I've done with the things before this. In the mean time though it's and up hill battle.

I hate that I'm going this because it all sucks, but I love that I have a story, a testimony and eventually God will use it all for His glory. I'm a visual person, and I have to paint, sketch, write to move things around in my head to help them make sense, to try to see the whole picture. Because of this, I've started the very beginnings of a memoir. I'm not sure I'm healthy enough right now to make any real go of it, but I've started plunking away at some "highlights". No clue if anything will come of it but it just might be part of this journey.

Who Am I?

Finally the worst of the side effects of the meds have subsided. Still have the jittery feelings, and am more tired than usual. Those are side effects I can live with.

Now comes what seems to be the hardest part of this recovery, trying to find who I am. I just can't seem to figure me out. There are things that I used to enjoy, things I was okay with. Now though I find that these same things now make me uncomfortable and I'm not okay with it.

Things that I felt were inherently part of who I am. All my life I've loved people, enjoy social activities, I've always been a very trusting people person. Now suddenly I find myself shying away from those types of things, I'm not real comfortable with it and I'd rather stay home than go anywhere.

Also I worked a couple days a week and then filled my days off with appointments and coffee/lunch dates, now I'm finding that if I have something on my calendar 3 days in a row I get overwhelmed. This particular thing makes me feel like a loser. My husband goes to work 5 days a week and it's not uncommon for him to work from home on his evenings and weekends, he does work around the house and still has time for #adventureswithjerry. If I have say, a doctors appointment on Monday, work Queen Bee on Tuesday and have to go grocery shopping on Wednesday, I find myself in this useless funk and anything I have the rest of the week takes every ounce of energy I can muster up. I usually find myself in tears the rest of the week. I'm only 48 years old, how can this be?

So this is what I'm working on, if these are part of the new me, that's okay I guess, I can learn to work with it, it's just all weird and confusing to me right now. I'm trying to go through and define who I am, through artwork and lists. It's hard to define ME without using words like, Mom or Wife or Sister, these are who I am to others, I need to get to the core of ME. I'm thinking this might take some time so I'm trying to be patient with myself, just hope everyone else can be patient with me too.

Frustrated

So this is week 4 of this dosage of meds, this is what they call "therapeutic dose". From all that I've read from other people, most people get past these side effects by the 2nd week or so. I haven't been so lucky and I would hope that being in week 4 of this, that they would subside.

Because of these side effects I'm having a hard time getting things done. Yes, I know I need to take it easy on myself and give myself time, but cleaning the bathroom shouldn't require having to take a break in between. My bathroom is tiny!!!

I also seem to still have this grey fogginess hanging around. Reminds me of the beginning of seasonal depression, Just the grey dreary, blahs that creep in before the the darkness of true depression. If I had to take an educated guess I'd say it's the frustration I'm currently feeling that's causing it. I feel like I'm stuck.

I'm also still struggling with my relationship with God, still having feelings of shame. With this I'm being patient with myself and showing myself some grace. I may not be able to study my Bible and pray for my own situation or even start the new book I bought on finding my my identity in Christ. However, I can listen to and sing along with worship music, I can pray for others,  I can listen to the Bible app that my husband turns on every night when we go to sleep, and I can be still and listen.

My psychologist is concerned that I'm still struggling with shame. The next meeting he said we were going to work on some techniques to help me break down that barrier. I'm looking forward to it.

Recreating Me.

I feel like I have been kidnapped and held hostage for the last 6 months and I've been released and brought home. Now I have to remember how to live my life even though nothing feels right and only vaguely familiar.

I've decided that I am going to spend the next several months just taking time to care for me. To rediscover who I am. To reconnect with God, and to remember who I am in Christ. To reconnect with my art and reignite my passion for it. To reconnect with people I love but have pushed away the last few months.

I feel like I have been changed by this experience, like I'm different somehow. That even as I get back into the swing of my life that I will never be the person I was before. I'm trying to step back a bit and reevaluate things, what of me before this episode of depression do I really want to take hold of again, and what parts is it time to just let go of and move on.

In a way I kind of feel a bit blessed to have this opportunity to really take a hard look at my life and readjust. I don't imagine there are many people who get that pause in life to get to do that. I'm so thankful that my husband has been so incredibly patient and supportive of me and is giving me the time and space to do what I need to.

I'm still struggling with side effects from my new dosage of medication, I haven't been at this dose for very long so I'm hoping that as my body gets used to it they will dissipate. Even if they don't I don't know that I'm willing to go through the process of weening off this to start something new. The thought of possibly opening that threshold to hell again is terrifying to me.

I continue to see my Psychologist every week for right now just to make sure I'm not having and slide back and that I'm pushing forward and making my treatment goals.

As I look way ahead, after this time of healing, I would love to find opportunities to share my story to help educate people on this small snippet of mental health, to give those that struggle with these things maybe a ray of hope or the courage to speak up about what they're going through. God never wastes a hurt, and I have no doubt that He will use what I've been through to help others.