There are still a few things I'm working through but they're not big and looming and seem manageable at this time. I'm grateful for that.
I'm on a lovely 3 med cocktail to help keep my mental heath in a good place. It took some time to find the right cocktail and dosage and then to wait for it all to take affect. When it did, it seems good. I'm grateful for that.
There is one thing though that had me a little frustrated is that I'm still waiting for God to release me from the "be still" season. I keep searching for that purpose in it.
I had knee surgery at the end of last week, so I've spent a lot of down time this week, just trying to rest it and ice it and let it all heal. It makes me feel antsy. I always feel like I'm wasting time, that I could be doing art or catching up on some crochet projects or the ever daunting housework I try to ignore. There's been a lot of time for thinking to happen, and listening to happen. I have found though there are many times I hear something I don't want to, or don't have time for so I pretend I never heard it. I have a history of this behavior and I should know God always wins in the end.
This antsy-ness, didn't just show up this week, this is something that's been bugging me for a good month or so now. I keep trying to satiate it without any success. I do that bigger art piece or I tackle a new crochet project, or I shop for that awesome deal. I keep looking for something to fill that empty space that longs to be filled, the one that keeps nagging at me, making me feel antsy.
So back to this listening thing, several times, God has said "that empty space is for Me, quit trying to fill it with things of this world". I heard Him, I heard Him loud and clear, I just chose to ignore it because I was too busy, or I'd get to it later, after I was done with this thing or that thing. I'd finish what ever I was doing and start something else, God could wait.
Today was a BIG time antsy day, I painted but got so bored with what I was doing, I need something new and exciting and different to do. I'm working on a blanket and it's taking forever and it's so boring doing the same stitch over and over again I need something more challenging. The voice of God in my head was so loud it was really hard to ignore, so I finally set down my paint brush and opened a devotional I started a couple years ago and never got past day 9.
The devotional is by Ann VosKamp, I just love the way she writes, very poetic like. She told the story of her children coming home from school and all the chaos that takes place at that time, boots, and back packs and coats. Sibling spats break out for this reason or that. She talks about in that time when her flesh wants to just scream, she plays the thankful game. She says she's thankful for the coats her children have and that she has arms to pick them up. She says she's thankful for the boots as she lines them all up. These are things I know to do, and tell others to do, but fail miserably to do myself.
The one thing though that she talked about later was dinner time, she sat back and watched her children, their smiles, the sound of their voices and she just soaked it all in. Reminded herself how quickly it all goes, and how we need to pay more attention to every day things and the things that we need to be grateful for. This, this right hear is what my season of "be still" is all about.
I keep looking for this bigger purpose, like if I'm not doing something in ministry at church I'm not doing anything important. That being an artist, a wife and a mom and a grandparent is somehow just mundane everyday things, like those can't possibly be a purpose.
I got a head slap at church the other week about it and I don't think it totally sank in. Probably because other than church and listening to the audio Bible as I fall asleep was the only time I was spending with God. This devotion was exactly what I needed. Not only are those things my purpose but I need to quit trying to rush things along to get to the next big thing.
Tomorrow is granddaughter day, I'm told she's a bit clingy cause she got shots last week, I am going to eat that all right up!! I'm going to count her fingers and toes again, smell the top of her head. Savor each gummy smile she gives me and remember that this is my purpose.
I need to appreciate that I have daughters that love to spend time with me, that text me and call me all the time. I need to acknowledge that I have a good relationship with them, and be all in when we have conversations instead of treating each one like it's a common thing. I take for granted that our relationships are good and they share things with me, I have to remember how special that bond is.
I need to soak in all that is that quirky son of mine, listen to his creative mind, take time to laugh at his silliness, and adore his kind, generous heart. I need to appreciate that he still gives me hugs, tries to take care of me and tells me he loves me without prompting.
I need to take time to sit back and be grateful and appreciate what we have and how blessed we are. .Stop taking it for granted and not just exist within it, but truly take time to soak it all.
While I'm doing all of that I need to do my devotions and spend some real time with God. It's good to fill that empty space the right way.
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