I've decided that I am going to spend the next several months just taking time to care for me. To rediscover who I am. To reconnect with God, and to remember who I am in Christ. To reconnect with my art and reignite my passion for it. To reconnect with people I love but have pushed away the last few months.
I feel like I have been changed by this experience, like I'm different somehow. That even as I get back into the swing of my life that I will never be the person I was before. I'm trying to step back a bit and reevaluate things, what of me before this episode of depression do I really want to take hold of again, and what parts is it time to just let go of and move on.
In a way I kind of feel a bit blessed to have this opportunity to really take a hard look at my life and readjust. I don't imagine there are many people who get that pause in life to get to do that. I'm so thankful that my husband has been so incredibly patient and supportive of me and is giving me the time and space to do what I need to.
I'm still struggling with side effects from my new dosage of medication, I haven't been at this dose for very long so I'm hoping that as my body gets used to it they will dissipate. Even if they don't I don't know that I'm willing to go through the process of weening off this to start something new. The thought of possibly opening that threshold to hell again is terrifying to me.
I continue to see my Psychologist every week for right now just to make sure I'm not having and slide back and that I'm pushing forward and making my treatment goals.
As I look way ahead, after this time of healing, I would love to find opportunities to share my story to help educate people on this small snippet of mental health, to give those that struggle with these things maybe a ray of hope or the courage to speak up about what they're going through. God never wastes a hurt, and I have no doubt that He will use what I've been through to help others.
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