Weakness Not Shame

Did you know that God loves our weaknesses? He loves them because they present amazing opportunities for Him to show His power in our lives. The thing that makes us feel like we're just not measuring up, or we just need to be better at,  the thing that in my case, makes me feel like a failure. Depression makes me feel like a failure, for so many reasons that I've shared before.

Because of this feeling like a failure, coming before God has been hard. I know I've talked about it before, but I really thought that as other things fell into place that my relationship would God would just fall into place too, that just was not the case.

I've talked about it in therapy, with my husband, my sister, and with other friends who love Jesus too and have been super supportive of me through all of this, but things just weren't moving forward. I'd open my Bible and within 3 verses the tears would be so thick I couldn't read anymore. I'd want to pray about it all but the words just wouldn't come out of my mouth, I'd just cry. I know He knew what I was wanting to say, but I believe I had to hear the words come out of my mouth to make my heart follow suit and I just couldn't do it.

My pastor is a very wise man, and he's been such an influence in my life and I'm so grateful that God brought him to us at Lakeland Community Church. I decided it was time to call him, and God gave him beautiful words to speak over me, and gave me new perspective on all of this. I talked to him about the shame I felt about it all, and he told me I need to change how I view my depression, I need to view it as a weakness, not shame. God uses weakness to bring glory to His Kingdom. This is something I've known, that He would use what I've gone through to let His light shine, but I just couldn't seem to see my depression as a weakness, I could only see it through the lenses of failure and shame. That was a turning point for me.

I'd love to tell you that day I came home and opened my Bible and prayed and everything was just all glorious again, but that's not what happened. I spent a couple days just wrapping my head around this new perspective and training myself to think of it as a weakness, I even wrote "weakness not shame" on my bathroom mirror so I would be reminded of it daily.

Then Jerry and I went on vacation, a beautiful vacation, so full of God's splendor that there was truly no place you could look ever, that you weren't reminded of His Glory and just how big He is. One late night, as we were heading back to our campsite, I opened my heart, opened my mind, and prayed my little heart out to a God whose never left me, a God whose never looked at me through the lens of failure and shame. To a God who has loved me unconditionally and has waited ever so patiently for me to be ready to fall back into His arms. It feels so good to be back in His arms, right where I belong.

Perspective: Weakness, not Shame.

remembering old memories

You know when something happens to you that you'd prefer not to remember so you stuff it away into that drawer in your brain in the very back? You know the one, the one that you don't ever open and cobwebs grow over it and then you find that you can get to a place where you can just pretend it never happened?

Until.....until someone talks to you about the very subject of those memories you were trying to pretend never happened. Then suddenly not only does the drawer open but all of it's contents spill over into every other drawer in your brain. The ones that are full of happy things, the ones that you utilize every single day, the ones that are supposed to be safe.

Well, as I'm standing in the hallway with my fingers on the doorknob of depression and reaching for the doorknob to the handle across the hall to where wellness is, but it's just too far away to reach it. All I can do is look longingly at it and pray that each day, each therapy session, each pill will bring me closer to it. While I'm standing here though, someone walked by and whispered things in my ears about those memories and suddenly my whole hand is on the depression doorknob, not just my fingers anymore. All the goodness in my life is full of this suffocating slime that is coating everything, I keep wiping it off and trying to make go away, but in the quiet moments I find it oozes right back in and fills up all the gaps, all the corners.

These are new things to work through in therapy of course and I know that I will eventually let go of it all just like I've done with the things before this. In the mean time though it's and up hill battle.

I hate that I'm going this because it all sucks, but I love that I have a story, a testimony and eventually God will use it all for His glory. I'm a visual person, and I have to paint, sketch, write to move things around in my head to help them make sense, to try to see the whole picture. Because of this, I've started the very beginnings of a memoir. I'm not sure I'm healthy enough right now to make any real go of it, but I've started plunking away at some "highlights". No clue if anything will come of it but it just might be part of this journey.

Who Am I?

Finally the worst of the side effects of the meds have subsided. Still have the jittery feelings, and am more tired than usual. Those are side effects I can live with.

Now comes what seems to be the hardest part of this recovery, trying to find who I am. I just can't seem to figure me out. There are things that I used to enjoy, things I was okay with. Now though I find that these same things now make me uncomfortable and I'm not okay with it.

Things that I felt were inherently part of who I am. All my life I've loved people, enjoy social activities, I've always been a very trusting people person. Now suddenly I find myself shying away from those types of things, I'm not real comfortable with it and I'd rather stay home than go anywhere.

Also I worked a couple days a week and then filled my days off with appointments and coffee/lunch dates, now I'm finding that if I have something on my calendar 3 days in a row I get overwhelmed. This particular thing makes me feel like a loser. My husband goes to work 5 days a week and it's not uncommon for him to work from home on his evenings and weekends, he does work around the house and still has time for #adventureswithjerry. If I have say, a doctors appointment on Monday, work Queen Bee on Tuesday and have to go grocery shopping on Wednesday, I find myself in this useless funk and anything I have the rest of the week takes every ounce of energy I can muster up. I usually find myself in tears the rest of the week. I'm only 48 years old, how can this be?

So this is what I'm working on, if these are part of the new me, that's okay I guess, I can learn to work with it, it's just all weird and confusing to me right now. I'm trying to go through and define who I am, through artwork and lists. It's hard to define ME without using words like, Mom or Wife or Sister, these are who I am to others, I need to get to the core of ME. I'm thinking this might take some time so I'm trying to be patient with myself, just hope everyone else can be patient with me too.

Frustrated

So this is week 4 of this dosage of meds, this is what they call "therapeutic dose". From all that I've read from other people, most people get past these side effects by the 2nd week or so. I haven't been so lucky and I would hope that being in week 4 of this, that they would subside.

Because of these side effects I'm having a hard time getting things done. Yes, I know I need to take it easy on myself and give myself time, but cleaning the bathroom shouldn't require having to take a break in between. My bathroom is tiny!!!

I also seem to still have this grey fogginess hanging around. Reminds me of the beginning of seasonal depression, Just the grey dreary, blahs that creep in before the the darkness of true depression. If I had to take an educated guess I'd say it's the frustration I'm currently feeling that's causing it. I feel like I'm stuck.

I'm also still struggling with my relationship with God, still having feelings of shame. With this I'm being patient with myself and showing myself some grace. I may not be able to study my Bible and pray for my own situation or even start the new book I bought on finding my my identity in Christ. However, I can listen to and sing along with worship music, I can pray for others,  I can listen to the Bible app that my husband turns on every night when we go to sleep, and I can be still and listen.

My psychologist is concerned that I'm still struggling with shame. The next meeting he said we were going to work on some techniques to help me break down that barrier. I'm looking forward to it.

Recreating Me.

I feel like I have been kidnapped and held hostage for the last 6 months and I've been released and brought home. Now I have to remember how to live my life even though nothing feels right and only vaguely familiar.

I've decided that I am going to spend the next several months just taking time to care for me. To rediscover who I am. To reconnect with God, and to remember who I am in Christ. To reconnect with my art and reignite my passion for it. To reconnect with people I love but have pushed away the last few months.

I feel like I have been changed by this experience, like I'm different somehow. That even as I get back into the swing of my life that I will never be the person I was before. I'm trying to step back a bit and reevaluate things, what of me before this episode of depression do I really want to take hold of again, and what parts is it time to just let go of and move on.

In a way I kind of feel a bit blessed to have this opportunity to really take a hard look at my life and readjust. I don't imagine there are many people who get that pause in life to get to do that. I'm so thankful that my husband has been so incredibly patient and supportive of me and is giving me the time and space to do what I need to.

I'm still struggling with side effects from my new dosage of medication, I haven't been at this dose for very long so I'm hoping that as my body gets used to it they will dissipate. Even if they don't I don't know that I'm willing to go through the process of weening off this to start something new. The thought of possibly opening that threshold to hell again is terrifying to me.

I continue to see my Psychologist every week for right now just to make sure I'm not having and slide back and that I'm pushing forward and making my treatment goals.

As I look way ahead, after this time of healing, I would love to find opportunities to share my story to help educate people on this small snippet of mental health, to give those that struggle with these things maybe a ray of hope or the courage to speak up about what they're going through. God never wastes a hurt, and I have no doubt that He will use what I've been through to help others.

Triggers

Well this is new, which has been the case through all of this, but I've never experienced triggers before. Well, not as it pertains to depression anyways.

A trigger is something, a tv show, reading something, seeing something, or being around someone that evokes a response related to something in your past.

I no longer have those chaotic thoughts running through my head, but I am finding that watching or seeing things about suicide or self harm sets me off a little. I can easily push it away with positive thoughts, but I was surprised when it happened. I assumed those would just not happen anymore.

My hope is that as time goes on that they'll go away completely but if not I'm confident that as long as I continue to take my meds I'll be okay. I wonder though, if this will be a new "normal" for me.

Hope

I had my regular appointment with my psychologist last Wednesday and in that appointment we discussed hospitalization. I agreed that was probably a good idea, but as I walked out of that appointment I sobbed. I sobbed all the way home. The overwhelming sense of failure I had was too much.

I made the phone call and got things going but it wasn't until 1:30am on Thursday that I actually got there.Checking in to Rogers Behavioral Health Hospital was one of the hardest things I've done. The idea of leaving my husband for a while was scary, he's been my rock and my safety through all of this and I was stepping into something unknown.

Admission was a nightmare. Now I don't know if it's always like this and judging by the other patients it isn't, but there was no compassion and I felt like I'd made a huge mistake. A woman I've never met before asked me to disrobe and maybe that's a normal thing for her but it certainly wasn't for me. It was uncomfortable but I made it through. The worst part was the woman that went through all of my things and repeatedly told me "you can't have that". Now I know there are rules and I know there are things that they don't allow and for good reason, however, the lack of compassion and the accusatory tone and remarks made me feel like I was being processed for prison. She took away my sketch book, my colored pencils, even my Bible. Needless to say I was just shy of hysterical.

Thankfully I had a wonderful nurse that sat with me in the morning who was very calming and very helpful. I did end up getting my Bible and my colored pencils but had to use them in the day room which was just fine with me. I brought coloring books so I spent a lot of time coloring.

There were groups that were okay, a good distraction to break up the day. Daily visits with the doctor and the social worker that were helpful. I met lots of really fun people and we laughed a lot which was really good for me, for all of us.

The best part of it all was that my doctor increased my meds, doubled them in fact. Last Saturday was a glorious day! That was the first day in months that the first thought in my head when I woke up wasn't how I was going to kill myself today.

So, now I'm home, taking it easy and easing into things slowly. I'm a little anxious about being social again, but I'm hopeful that will start to feel "normal" again too.