Hope

I had my regular appointment with my psychologist last Wednesday and in that appointment we discussed hospitalization. I agreed that was probably a good idea, but as I walked out of that appointment I sobbed. I sobbed all the way home. The overwhelming sense of failure I had was too much.

I made the phone call and got things going but it wasn't until 1:30am on Thursday that I actually got there.Checking in to Rogers Behavioral Health Hospital was one of the hardest things I've done. The idea of leaving my husband for a while was scary, he's been my rock and my safety through all of this and I was stepping into something unknown.

Admission was a nightmare. Now I don't know if it's always like this and judging by the other patients it isn't, but there was no compassion and I felt like I'd made a huge mistake. A woman I've never met before asked me to disrobe and maybe that's a normal thing for her but it certainly wasn't for me. It was uncomfortable but I made it through. The worst part was the woman that went through all of my things and repeatedly told me "you can't have that". Now I know there are rules and I know there are things that they don't allow and for good reason, however, the lack of compassion and the accusatory tone and remarks made me feel like I was being processed for prison. She took away my sketch book, my colored pencils, even my Bible. Needless to say I was just shy of hysterical.

Thankfully I had a wonderful nurse that sat with me in the morning who was very calming and very helpful. I did end up getting my Bible and my colored pencils but had to use them in the day room which was just fine with me. I brought coloring books so I spent a lot of time coloring.

There were groups that were okay, a good distraction to break up the day. Daily visits with the doctor and the social worker that were helpful. I met lots of really fun people and we laughed a lot which was really good for me, for all of us.

The best part of it all was that my doctor increased my meds, doubled them in fact. Last Saturday was a glorious day! That was the first day in months that the first thought in my head when I woke up wasn't how I was going to kill myself today.

So, now I'm home, taking it easy and easing into things slowly. I'm a little anxious about being social again, but I'm hopeful that will start to feel "normal" again too.