Frustrated

So this is week 4 of this dosage of meds, this is what they call "therapeutic dose". From all that I've read from other people, most people get past these side effects by the 2nd week or so. I haven't been so lucky and I would hope that being in week 4 of this, that they would subside.

Because of these side effects I'm having a hard time getting things done. Yes, I know I need to take it easy on myself and give myself time, but cleaning the bathroom shouldn't require having to take a break in between. My bathroom is tiny!!!

I also seem to still have this grey fogginess hanging around. Reminds me of the beginning of seasonal depression, Just the grey dreary, blahs that creep in before the the darkness of true depression. If I had to take an educated guess I'd say it's the frustration I'm currently feeling that's causing it. I feel like I'm stuck.

I'm also still struggling with my relationship with God, still having feelings of shame. With this I'm being patient with myself and showing myself some grace. I may not be able to study my Bible and pray for my own situation or even start the new book I bought on finding my my identity in Christ. However, I can listen to and sing along with worship music, I can pray for others,  I can listen to the Bible app that my husband turns on every night when we go to sleep, and I can be still and listen.

My psychologist is concerned that I'm still struggling with shame. The next meeting he said we were going to work on some techniques to help me break down that barrier. I'm looking forward to it.

Recreating Me.

I feel like I have been kidnapped and held hostage for the last 6 months and I've been released and brought home. Now I have to remember how to live my life even though nothing feels right and only vaguely familiar.

I've decided that I am going to spend the next several months just taking time to care for me. To rediscover who I am. To reconnect with God, and to remember who I am in Christ. To reconnect with my art and reignite my passion for it. To reconnect with people I love but have pushed away the last few months.

I feel like I have been changed by this experience, like I'm different somehow. That even as I get back into the swing of my life that I will never be the person I was before. I'm trying to step back a bit and reevaluate things, what of me before this episode of depression do I really want to take hold of again, and what parts is it time to just let go of and move on.

In a way I kind of feel a bit blessed to have this opportunity to really take a hard look at my life and readjust. I don't imagine there are many people who get that pause in life to get to do that. I'm so thankful that my husband has been so incredibly patient and supportive of me and is giving me the time and space to do what I need to.

I'm still struggling with side effects from my new dosage of medication, I haven't been at this dose for very long so I'm hoping that as my body gets used to it they will dissipate. Even if they don't I don't know that I'm willing to go through the process of weening off this to start something new. The thought of possibly opening that threshold to hell again is terrifying to me.

I continue to see my Psychologist every week for right now just to make sure I'm not having and slide back and that I'm pushing forward and making my treatment goals.

As I look way ahead, after this time of healing, I would love to find opportunities to share my story to help educate people on this small snippet of mental health, to give those that struggle with these things maybe a ray of hope or the courage to speak up about what they're going through. God never wastes a hurt, and I have no doubt that He will use what I've been through to help others.

Triggers

Well this is new, which has been the case through all of this, but I've never experienced triggers before. Well, not as it pertains to depression anyways.

A trigger is something, a tv show, reading something, seeing something, or being around someone that evokes a response related to something in your past.

I no longer have those chaotic thoughts running through my head, but I am finding that watching or seeing things about suicide or self harm sets me off a little. I can easily push it away with positive thoughts, but I was surprised when it happened. I assumed those would just not happen anymore.

My hope is that as time goes on that they'll go away completely but if not I'm confident that as long as I continue to take my meds I'll be okay. I wonder though, if this will be a new "normal" for me.

Hope

I had my regular appointment with my psychologist last Wednesday and in that appointment we discussed hospitalization. I agreed that was probably a good idea, but as I walked out of that appointment I sobbed. I sobbed all the way home. The overwhelming sense of failure I had was too much.

I made the phone call and got things going but it wasn't until 1:30am on Thursday that I actually got there.Checking in to Rogers Behavioral Health Hospital was one of the hardest things I've done. The idea of leaving my husband for a while was scary, he's been my rock and my safety through all of this and I was stepping into something unknown.

Admission was a nightmare. Now I don't know if it's always like this and judging by the other patients it isn't, but there was no compassion and I felt like I'd made a huge mistake. A woman I've never met before asked me to disrobe and maybe that's a normal thing for her but it certainly wasn't for me. It was uncomfortable but I made it through. The worst part was the woman that went through all of my things and repeatedly told me "you can't have that". Now I know there are rules and I know there are things that they don't allow and for good reason, however, the lack of compassion and the accusatory tone and remarks made me feel like I was being processed for prison. She took away my sketch book, my colored pencils, even my Bible. Needless to say I was just shy of hysterical.

Thankfully I had a wonderful nurse that sat with me in the morning who was very calming and very helpful. I did end up getting my Bible and my colored pencils but had to use them in the day room which was just fine with me. I brought coloring books so I spent a lot of time coloring.

There were groups that were okay, a good distraction to break up the day. Daily visits with the doctor and the social worker that were helpful. I met lots of really fun people and we laughed a lot which was really good for me, for all of us.

The best part of it all was that my doctor increased my meds, doubled them in fact. Last Saturday was a glorious day! That was the first day in months that the first thought in my head when I woke up wasn't how I was going to kill myself today.

So, now I'm home, taking it easy and easing into things slowly. I'm a little anxious about being social again, but I'm hopeful that will start to feel "normal" again too.