Its been a while

I have stuff in my head and heart that I just have to get out so this seemed like the best way to do it. 

Last night I had a conversation about mental illness, all of us in one way or another have been or are struggling with mental illness. For some, it was trying to parent kids who are afflicted or going through things themselves. Our children stuck in the pit of hell that is mental illness.

As I walked away from that conversation my heart hurt so badly. I cried myself to sleep because of it and I cried out to God in my prayers to do something about it. Children, our babies, are talking about taking their lives and having a plan in place to do it. What in the world!!! Why isn't this front-page news? Why isn't the world talking about this and taking action to do something about it?

I feel like this is such an uphill battle! We're starting a mental health ministry at my church finally but it's something I've been fighting for for 10 years. I know things always happen in God's timing so I am at peace with it, but I feel like people don't understand the urgency of mental health. 

You can have sickness in every organ in your body, why not the brain? A friend says just like you go for checkups on your body you should get checkups on your brain as well. Why is that not the norm?

I'm probably preaching to the choir, but I'm very broken and frustrated and my heart aches. Mental illness is killing people, and we have to do something to stop it. 

The Black Rock

Yesterday was ugly, today was nearly the same, however I had the joyous distraction of my granddaughter. I think the fact that she was fussy most of the day from getting her shots and her teeth coming in helped keep me from letting the pain engulf me.

I've been in and out of therapy for about 12 years. Mental Health issues have had a grip on me for a really big portion of my life. My Psychologist Dan, says that people who struggle with depression for as long as I have tend to have a hard time separating the disease from the person. For example I'd like to be just Lisa, however, even when I think I'm "just Lisa" there's a small voice in the pit of mygut that whispers "with depression". It may not define me but it is quite truly part of who I am. Many of my every day decisions are based on how things with affect me mentally.

 Dan, is all about making me visualize things. For me that's fairly easy, I often think in pictures and colors. The Black Rock is what I visualize my depression to be. I carry it around with me, and yes it's a bit on the heavy side, but I've learned how to hold it so it isn't always uncomfortable. I'd really just like to set it down and walk away from it, but have found that I cannot because I have to watch it all the time. Most of the time it just gives a small glow from the inside and that I can deal with. I know that it is the part that is always with me, the knowledge that I have a mental illness and that sometimes I think of things that aren't quite okay, but I can manage those things. It's when the embers inside start to burn red hot in places, that the gentle glow turns angry and it burns me, that's the part that's not okay. I shift it from hand to hand trying to get comfortable with it again, but no matter what I do I can't seem to find any relief from it. It's when it's red hot in spots that I need to make my best effort to cool the hot spots and return it to the glow. When the Black Rock is smattered with hot spots that's the time I have to make sure to spend extra time with God, praying, reading and praising. That's the time when I have to take a step back from life and find some time to quiet myself. These are very important things because if I don't take care of the hot spots in time, the whole Black Rock will catch fire and that fire is the kind that consumes me. When the whole thing catches fire I no longer can handle it myself, I need help to put it out. However, because the Black Rock is MINE, I don't often like people to look at it or touch it. It may be burning me from the inside out, but it's a feeling that I get used to and it becomes comfortable and the idea of someone tossing a bucket of cold water on it is terrifying. What if they break it, or it changes the way it works, how am I supposed to watch it and know the signs if it gets changed.

Oh I know what you're thinking, you're thinking that if gets broken or changed that maybe it would be good for me; that maybe then I could set it down and walk away. I've tried that, it hasn't ever turned out well for me. The Black Rock is kind of like a cat that always seems to come home eventually and is kind enough to bring you "presents" like dead mice or birds. Now not only to I have the Black Rock again, but it's now added new baggage to it and I have to relearn how to hold it again with it's new additions which will eventually become new hot spots to watch.

So I know these last 2 days are only a hot spot, I'm doing all the things so I can hopefully keep it from spreading, it's feeling a bit cooler already.

Finding Hope

This past weekend I went on what I call a Mental Health retreat. My hope was that by spending time in the peace of my dad's place up north that I would have time to regroup and unwind. My dad is always up there so he was there with me. There is something reassuring about him and I think as we get older we're getting to know each other better which brings me joy!! He was a welcome distraction when I needed it.

I decided I needed a book to read while I was there and in my search for a book, I found exactly what I needed only I didn't know when I bought it that it would move mountains in this struggle of mine.

The book is called Hope Prevails and it's written by a Christian Neuropsychologist who treats people with Mental Health diseases all the time. This however, was the first time she herself ever experienced depression. The reason the book intrigued me is because the description talks about the missing piece of the treatments regularly subscribed, the piece of Spirituality.

If you've followed my blog at all you know that connecting with God is something I struggle with in the midst of my depression because I feel such shame about it. Within the first chapter she brought to light verses I've read/heard maybe 100 times but they never came to life for me. All the verses she shared had to do with Joy, something that is most definitely not part of my depression.

I have been savoring this book! I could have read right through it and only read the verses in the book itself, but I have been taking the time to look them up in my Bible. I've been underlining and journaling as I go along.  I want to always remember and have marked the verses I'm finding that are helping so much this time, in case there is a next time.

I'm happy to say that I nipped this before it got too big and overwhelming to handle. I feel like, without this book and all the reminders of God's abundant Joy, I'm not so sure it would have been possible. I feel like I now have weapons to fight this with! My God, my medicine and my therapy are the perfect combination.

Not an old friend

I'm not sure why it's creeping back in, there's any number of reasons I suppose. Dan (my shrink) seems to think that just maybe I'm wired this way. Not to say I'm wired crazy but wired in such a way that when things get off kilter in one way or another, my brain goes all wonky. I started writing things down, I've removed the only thing I can from my schedule in order to help me not be overwhelmed.

I just need people to stand in the gap and pray hard that I can defeat this without incident.

There's something eerie about your shrink telling you to stay safe as you leave his office.

Things are good

I'm finally doing good, I feel like my life is getting back to a sense of Lisa normalcy. I'm grateful for that.

There are still a few things I'm working through but they're not big and looming and seem manageable at this time. I'm grateful for that.

I'm on a lovely 3 med cocktail to help keep my mental heath in a good place. It took some time to find the right cocktail and dosage and then to wait for it all to take affect. When it did, it seems good. I'm grateful for that.

There is one thing though that had me a little frustrated is that I'm still waiting for God to release me from the "be still" season. I keep searching for that purpose in it.

I had knee surgery at the end of last week, so I've spent a lot of down time this week, just trying to rest it and ice it and let it all heal. It makes me feel antsy. I always feel like I'm wasting time, that I could be doing art or catching up on some crochet projects or the ever daunting housework I try to ignore. There's been a lot of time for thinking to happen, and listening to happen. I have found though there are many times I hear something I don't want to, or don't have time for so I pretend I never heard it. I have a history of this behavior and I should know God always wins in the end.

 This antsy-ness, didn't just show up this week, this is something that's been bugging me for a good month or so now. I keep trying to satiate it without any success. I do that bigger art piece or I tackle a new crochet project, or I shop for that awesome deal. I keep looking for something to fill that empty space that longs to be filled, the one that keeps nagging at me, making me feel antsy.

So back to this listening thing, several times, God has said "that empty space is for Me, quit trying to fill it with things of this world". I heard Him, I heard Him loud and clear, I just chose to ignore it because I was too busy, or I'd get to it later, after I was done with this thing or that thing. I'd finish what ever I was doing and start something else, God could wait.

Today was a BIG time antsy day, I painted but got so bored with what I was doing, I need something new and exciting and different to do. I'm working on a blanket and it's taking forever and it's so boring doing the same stitch over and over again I need something more challenging. The voice of God in my head was so loud it was really hard to ignore, so I finally set down my paint brush and opened a devotional I started a couple years ago and never got past day 9.

The devotional is by Ann VosKamp, I just love the way she writes, very poetic like. She told the story of her children coming home from school and all the chaos that takes place at that time, boots, and back packs and coats. Sibling spats break out for this reason or that. She talks about in that time when her flesh wants to just scream, she plays the thankful game. She says she's thankful for the coats her children have and that she has arms to pick them up. She says she's thankful for the boots as she lines them all up. These are things I know to do, and tell others to do, but fail miserably to do myself.

The one thing though that she talked about later was dinner time, she sat back and watched her children, their smiles, the sound of their voices and she just soaked it all in. Reminded herself how quickly it all goes, and how we need to pay more attention to every day things and the things that we need to be grateful for. This, this right hear is what my season of "be still" is all about.

I keep looking for this bigger purpose, like if I'm not doing something in ministry at church I'm not doing anything important. That being an artist, a wife and a mom and a grandparent is somehow just mundane everyday things, like those can't possibly be a purpose.

I got a head slap at church the other week about it and I don't think it totally sank in. Probably because other than church and listening to the audio Bible as I fall asleep was the only time I was spending with God. This devotion was exactly what I needed. Not only are those things my purpose but I need to quit trying to rush things along to get to the next big thing.

Tomorrow is granddaughter day, I'm told she's a bit clingy cause she got shots last week, I am going to eat that all right up!! I'm going to count her fingers and toes again, smell the top of her head. Savor each gummy smile she gives me and remember that this is my purpose.

I need to appreciate that I have daughters that love to spend time with me, that text me and call me all the time. I need to acknowledge that I have a good relationship with them, and be all in when we have conversations instead of treating each one like it's a common thing. I take for granted that our relationships are good and they share things with me, I have to remember how special that bond is.

I need to soak in all that is that quirky son of mine, listen to his creative mind, take time to laugh at his silliness, and adore his kind, generous heart. I need to appreciate that he still gives me hugs, tries to take care of me and tells me he loves me without prompting.

I need to take time to sit back and be grateful and appreciate what we have and how blessed we are. .Stop taking it for granted and not just exist within it, but truly take time to soak it all.

While I'm doing all of that I need to do my devotions and spend some real time with God. It's good to fill that empty space the right way.

Take Courage

It's been kind of a bumpy week mentally. I'm guessing it's because of the weather. Leaves are turning already, temps are getting cooler and it's getting darker sooner. All signs that winter is on it's way, and judging by how early all these things have happened, I'm very anxious that we will have a long winter. This winter more than any other is very daunting to me. I remember last winter, and it was a fairly mild winter. I constantly remind myself that this year I have some tools I didn't have last winter. I have meds and I have therapy. These things hopefully will make this winter very different than last.

So in my therapy session last week, two kind of key things happened. First, I have been sorting through, things that happened in my childhood that have recently flooded back into my memories, I decided that right now I don't want to do that. I just want to forget about it all for right now, not forever, but for right now. To which my shrink replied, "oh yeah, lets just stuff that right down, that's always a good approach". Sometimes he can be such a smart ass. However, that was still my plan for right now.

The 2nd thing that happened is we discussed whether or not I was ready to step into ministry in a mentoring capacity yet. Before we left for vacation, I was good, and I was ready to jump right in. I talked to Jerry about it and he didn't think that I was quite ready, but I'm so anxious to get back into the swing of things, that I barely considered his comments. Then something happened, I can't remember exactly what, I read something, or heard something about someone struggling with depression and I hurt so badly for them that it triggered me. I found myself thinking of things I haven't in a while, things that are negative and not healthy. I found myself remembering the illusion of comfort that there is in the muck and remembering I liked it. So as we talked through this we decided that my husband is right, I'm not ready for it.

Jerry almost always goes to the 8:00 service, while I almost always attend the 9:15 service. One of the exciting things about my husband is the way God has gifted him and how He uses him. My husband is blessed with the gift of prophecy and it's pretty darn powerful. To my knowledge he doesn't get many "words" for me, but today he shared, "Be still, slow down and take your time". Which made complete sense to me and reassured me that the decision not to jump into ministry was right, but it also reminded me that I have some "catching up" so to speak in my relationship with God, and being still in Him is certainly something I've neglected.

The last song our worship band played today, was also so perfect, like and anthem to my season of life. It's called Take Courage by Bethel. The lyrics to the first verse are as follows:

Slow down, take time
Breath in He said
He'd reveal what's to come
The thoughts in His mind
Always higher than mine
He'll reveal all to come

Ahhhhh so good and so what I needed to hear. 

Then.....the sermon, Pastor Eric preached again today and this is the 2nd time I've not been happy with what he's preached on. Not because he's not a good preacher, he's really good, but twice now he's preached sermons that are exactly what I don't want to hear. Today he talked about remembering, how God uses the things we remember, the way's He's blessed our lives in those moments. If you recall, up a bit I told you I had told my psychologist that I don't want to remember right now. Through the sermon though I heard God telling me He can't show me how He has redeemed me and how He's going to use those things unless I remember them. Sigh. 

I'm thankful that I have a appt with my meds dr this week. I'm having to fight a bit harder than I've had to in a while to keep the darkness at bay. I'm hoping just a simple meds tweak will be enough and I won't have to start on something new. 

Weakness Not Shame

Did you know that God loves our weaknesses? He loves them because they present amazing opportunities for Him to show His power in our lives. The thing that makes us feel like we're just not measuring up, or we just need to be better at,  the thing that in my case, makes me feel like a failure. Depression makes me feel like a failure, for so many reasons that I've shared before.

Because of this feeling like a failure, coming before God has been hard. I know I've talked about it before, but I really thought that as other things fell into place that my relationship would God would just fall into place too, that just was not the case.

I've talked about it in therapy, with my husband, my sister, and with other friends who love Jesus too and have been super supportive of me through all of this, but things just weren't moving forward. I'd open my Bible and within 3 verses the tears would be so thick I couldn't read anymore. I'd want to pray about it all but the words just wouldn't come out of my mouth, I'd just cry. I know He knew what I was wanting to say, but I believe I had to hear the words come out of my mouth to make my heart follow suit and I just couldn't do it.

My pastor is a very wise man, and he's been such an influence in my life and I'm so grateful that God brought him to us at Lakeland Community Church. I decided it was time to call him, and God gave him beautiful words to speak over me, and gave me new perspective on all of this. I talked to him about the shame I felt about it all, and he told me I need to change how I view my depression, I need to view it as a weakness, not shame. God uses weakness to bring glory to His Kingdom. This is something I've known, that He would use what I've gone through to let His light shine, but I just couldn't seem to see my depression as a weakness, I could only see it through the lenses of failure and shame. That was a turning point for me.

I'd love to tell you that day I came home and opened my Bible and prayed and everything was just all glorious again, but that's not what happened. I spent a couple days just wrapping my head around this new perspective and training myself to think of it as a weakness, I even wrote "weakness not shame" on my bathroom mirror so I would be reminded of it daily.

Then Jerry and I went on vacation, a beautiful vacation, so full of God's splendor that there was truly no place you could look ever, that you weren't reminded of His Glory and just how big He is. One late night, as we were heading back to our campsite, I opened my heart, opened my mind, and prayed my little heart out to a God whose never left me, a God whose never looked at me through the lens of failure and shame. To a God who has loved me unconditionally and has waited ever so patiently for me to be ready to fall back into His arms. It feels so good to be back in His arms, right where I belong.

Perspective: Weakness, not Shame.