The Black Rock

Yesterday was ugly, today was nearly the same, however I had the joyous distraction of my granddaughter. I think the fact that she was fussy most of the day from getting her shots and her teeth coming in helped keep me from letting the pain engulf me.

I've been in and out of therapy for about 12 years. Mental Health issues have had a grip on me for a really big portion of my life. My Psychologist Dan, says that people who struggle with depression for as long as I have tend to have a hard time separating the disease from the person. For example I'd like to be just Lisa, however, even when I think I'm "just Lisa" there's a small voice in the pit of mygut that whispers "with depression". It may not define me but it is quite truly part of who I am. Many of my every day decisions are based on how things with affect me mentally.

 Dan, is all about making me visualize things. For me that's fairly easy, I often think in pictures and colors. The Black Rock is what I visualize my depression to be. I carry it around with me, and yes it's a bit on the heavy side, but I've learned how to hold it so it isn't always uncomfortable. I'd really just like to set it down and walk away from it, but have found that I cannot because I have to watch it all the time. Most of the time it just gives a small glow from the inside and that I can deal with. I know that it is the part that is always with me, the knowledge that I have a mental illness and that sometimes I think of things that aren't quite okay, but I can manage those things. It's when the embers inside start to burn red hot in places, that the gentle glow turns angry and it burns me, that's the part that's not okay. I shift it from hand to hand trying to get comfortable with it again, but no matter what I do I can't seem to find any relief from it. It's when it's red hot in spots that I need to make my best effort to cool the hot spots and return it to the glow. When the Black Rock is smattered with hot spots that's the time I have to make sure to spend extra time with God, praying, reading and praising. That's the time when I have to take a step back from life and find some time to quiet myself. These are very important things because if I don't take care of the hot spots in time, the whole Black Rock will catch fire and that fire is the kind that consumes me. When the whole thing catches fire I no longer can handle it myself, I need help to put it out. However, because the Black Rock is MINE, I don't often like people to look at it or touch it. It may be burning me from the inside out, but it's a feeling that I get used to and it becomes comfortable and the idea of someone tossing a bucket of cold water on it is terrifying. What if they break it, or it changes the way it works, how am I supposed to watch it and know the signs if it gets changed.

Oh I know what you're thinking, you're thinking that if gets broken or changed that maybe it would be good for me; that maybe then I could set it down and walk away. I've tried that, it hasn't ever turned out well for me. The Black Rock is kind of like a cat that always seems to come home eventually and is kind enough to bring you "presents" like dead mice or birds. Now not only to I have the Black Rock again, but it's now added new baggage to it and I have to relearn how to hold it again with it's new additions which will eventually become new hot spots to watch.

So I know these last 2 days are only a hot spot, I'm doing all the things so I can hopefully keep it from spreading, it's feeling a bit cooler already.