Take Courage

It's been kind of a bumpy week mentally. I'm guessing it's because of the weather. Leaves are turning already, temps are getting cooler and it's getting darker sooner. All signs that winter is on it's way, and judging by how early all these things have happened, I'm very anxious that we will have a long winter. This winter more than any other is very daunting to me. I remember last winter, and it was a fairly mild winter. I constantly remind myself that this year I have some tools I didn't have last winter. I have meds and I have therapy. These things hopefully will make this winter very different than last.

So in my therapy session last week, two kind of key things happened. First, I have been sorting through, things that happened in my childhood that have recently flooded back into my memories, I decided that right now I don't want to do that. I just want to forget about it all for right now, not forever, but for right now. To which my shrink replied, "oh yeah, lets just stuff that right down, that's always a good approach". Sometimes he can be such a smart ass. However, that was still my plan for right now.

The 2nd thing that happened is we discussed whether or not I was ready to step into ministry in a mentoring capacity yet. Before we left for vacation, I was good, and I was ready to jump right in. I talked to Jerry about it and he didn't think that I was quite ready, but I'm so anxious to get back into the swing of things, that I barely considered his comments. Then something happened, I can't remember exactly what, I read something, or heard something about someone struggling with depression and I hurt so badly for them that it triggered me. I found myself thinking of things I haven't in a while, things that are negative and not healthy. I found myself remembering the illusion of comfort that there is in the muck and remembering I liked it. So as we talked through this we decided that my husband is right, I'm not ready for it.

Jerry almost always goes to the 8:00 service, while I almost always attend the 9:15 service. One of the exciting things about my husband is the way God has gifted him and how He uses him. My husband is blessed with the gift of prophecy and it's pretty darn powerful. To my knowledge he doesn't get many "words" for me, but today he shared, "Be still, slow down and take your time". Which made complete sense to me and reassured me that the decision not to jump into ministry was right, but it also reminded me that I have some "catching up" so to speak in my relationship with God, and being still in Him is certainly something I've neglected.

The last song our worship band played today, was also so perfect, like and anthem to my season of life. It's called Take Courage by Bethel. The lyrics to the first verse are as follows:

Slow down, take time
Breath in He said
He'd reveal what's to come
The thoughts in His mind
Always higher than mine
He'll reveal all to come

Ahhhhh so good and so what I needed to hear. 

Then.....the sermon, Pastor Eric preached again today and this is the 2nd time I've not been happy with what he's preached on. Not because he's not a good preacher, he's really good, but twice now he's preached sermons that are exactly what I don't want to hear. Today he talked about remembering, how God uses the things we remember, the way's He's blessed our lives in those moments. If you recall, up a bit I told you I had told my psychologist that I don't want to remember right now. Through the sermon though I heard God telling me He can't show me how He has redeemed me and how He's going to use those things unless I remember them. Sigh. 

I'm thankful that I have a appt with my meds dr this week. I'm having to fight a bit harder than I've had to in a while to keep the darkness at bay. I'm hoping just a simple meds tweak will be enough and I won't have to start on something new.