Because of this feeling like a failure, coming before God has been hard. I know I've talked about it before, but I really thought that as other things fell into place that my relationship would God would just fall into place too, that just was not the case.
I've talked about it in therapy, with my husband, my sister, and with other friends who love Jesus too and have been super supportive of me through all of this, but things just weren't moving forward. I'd open my Bible and within 3 verses the tears would be so thick I couldn't read anymore. I'd want to pray about it all but the words just wouldn't come out of my mouth, I'd just cry. I know He knew what I was wanting to say, but I believe I had to hear the words come out of my mouth to make my heart follow suit and I just couldn't do it.
My pastor is a very wise man, and he's been such an influence in my life and I'm so grateful that God brought him to us at Lakeland Community Church. I decided it was time to call him, and God gave him beautiful words to speak over me, and gave me new perspective on all of this. I talked to him about the shame I felt about it all, and he told me I need to change how I view my depression, I need to view it as a weakness, not shame. God uses weakness to bring glory to His Kingdom. This is something I've known, that He would use what I've gone through to let His light shine, but I just couldn't seem to see my depression as a weakness, I could only see it through the lenses of failure and shame. That was a turning point for me.
I'd love to tell you that day I came home and opened my Bible and prayed and everything was just all glorious again, but that's not what happened. I spent a couple days just wrapping my head around this new perspective and training myself to think of it as a weakness, I even wrote "weakness not shame" on my bathroom mirror so I would be reminded of it daily.
Then Jerry and I went on vacation, a beautiful vacation, so full of God's splendor that there was truly no place you could look ever, that you weren't reminded of His Glory and just how big He is. One late night, as we were heading back to our campsite, I opened my heart, opened my mind, and prayed my little heart out to a God whose never left me, a God whose never looked at me through the lens of failure and shame. To a God who has loved me unconditionally and has waited ever so patiently for me to be ready to fall back into His arms. It feels so good to be back in His arms, right where I belong.
Perspective: Weakness, not Shame.
